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In college, one of my best friends was from Baton Rouge. Every February, when local bars would advertise for Mardi Gras festivities in hopes of luring in college kids, Catholics and year-round lushes. (anyone ever been to the Fat Tuesday's in Coconut Grove?)

My friend took extreme exception to this, saying unless you're in Louisiana, you have no right to throw gold and purple beads around.

I always thought this was snobby, but then I remembered she was from a state that Texans look down their noses at.

This year, looking around at all the Mardi Gras events being advertised in the local paper, I think, was she right? Maybe it's because I actually went to Mardi Gras one year and it totally smashed my romantic disillusions of the event. Or maybe I just cringe at the thought of bouncing from the Dover Brick House to Kelley's Row to Dover Soul with a bunch of drunk dudes getting beads, free schwag and extremely drunk. I can see it now, spending the entire night saying, "Uh, yeah, I'd rather not show you my tits, but thanks for the beads."

That being said, I thought I'd offer a few alternatives to Fat Tuesday. Be assured, no freaky masks, flashing breasts or beads involved. But yes, there will be alcohol. All events mentioned are on Tuesday, Feb. 28.

Fund raiser for Jazzmouth, Portsmouth's Poetry and Jazz Festival
Flatbread Pizza, 139 Congress Street, Portsmouth
A percentage of all pizza ordered between 5-9:30 p.m. will be donated to festival

For those of you who have never been to a Flatbread, it's more than just pizza. The vibe is very 1969, with slogans of how to eat well and be well reminding you that stress is really self-inflicted. There's great beer on tap and a huge clay oven in house to make the cold February night seem less offending.

For those who don't know Jazzmouth, it's a weekend long event at the end of April, organized by local jazz favorite Larry Simon. This year's poets include David Amram, Ed Sanders, Eric Mingus and Marie Harris.

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang
The Portsmouth Music Hall
28 Chestnut Street
7:30 p.m. call 436-2400 for box office

I've always had a thing for Robert Downey Jr. and it always depresses me when his movies do really poorly, like this one did. One might blame his reoccurring heroin addiction for the fact that critics raved but no one went to see this cops and robbers dark comedy. I thought it looked great from the get-go. The movie also stars Val Kilmer and Shane Black of Lethal Weapon. You can see the reviews for yourself but this is the only one you really need to hear:

"...there may not be a better time in theaters this year. If Satan is indeed involved in Black's career, then Satan deserves a raise." -- THE STRANGER (SEATTLE, WA)

Jumpin' Jays Fish Cafe Shucks for a Buck
150 Congress Street, Portsmouth
from 5:30-9 p.m. all oysters are $1

This may seem a little steep for a raw, salty treat, but if you consider that a half-dozen typically runs $13 at Jays, this is a bargain. Get a dozen or two and a bottle of wine and it's an instant swank date for less than swank prices.

Tuesday Night Scissor Test with Beat Pervert
The Red Door, State Street, Portsmouth
free, but drinks run between $2 for a PBR and $8 for a fancy martini

Each Tuesday, Beat Pervert spins an array of tunes. I could spew a bunch of DJ jargon, like mash-up, grime, etc., but I would sound foolish. Trust me, if you like DJs that are creative and will play great stuff you've yet to here, check it out.