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Facing the Past, the Facts, and a Ben Folds T-shirt

It’s time. It’s time for me to face the facts. The fat facts. Last week I had to visit my doctor’s office for a sinus infection. Straight up on to the scale she put me. The scale I had been avoiding for over a year. I was afraid to look. I didn’t have to; the nurse was obliged to inform me what the scale registered. The scale didn’t lie when it told me that I weighed more than I ever have. She also took my blood pressure, a not too shabby 128/92. Not too shabby – unless you take into consideration that my BP used to register around 98/62. It’s impossible to argue with cold, hard numbers.

Now, don’t get me wrong. None of this was a shock to me. One can’t ignore the fact that one barely fits their FAT PANTIES anymore. I didn’t not know it, I just haven’t cared. Well, perhaps I have. But I can tell you that my current weight is really no accident. Every pound is accounted for. Every pound represents one brick in the wall I’ve been slowly building around myself. Every pound is an allegorical kung-fu kick to the head of any potential suitor who would inevitably break my heart.

As someone who in the past lost 80 lbs, 60 before and 20 more after having my second child, I know it can be done. I know that I was never healthier than when I was thin. I know it takes hard work and commitment and I also know that it gets easier as the fat burns off and muscle takes its place. I had a blast being thin for a few years. I was always overweight, had been since my teens. When I was about 27 or 28, I just got motivated somehow. I started walking, then running, then combining runs with weightlifting. I stopped eating pretty much everything I used to eat. I was a salad freak; I was a lean machine.

Then I got my heart broken for the millionth and final time. When I realized that no matter how svelte I was, nothing was going to make my son’s father fall in love with me, I started steadily putting on the weight I’d worked so hard to lose. Rejection is hard for anyone. For me, it’s always been a part of my life. The one single thing in my life that I have never, ever, been successful at was a relationship with the opposite sex. Every single relationship I ever had turned out bad. It’s too hard to face that I might be just a loser in love, that I have no redeeming qualities worth loving. It’s far, far softer on the old ego to have a concrete reason why no one could ever love me. So I got fat. What a perfect scapegoat for my failure to find and maintain a relationship! It’s not me, it’s just that no one loves a fat girl! Right? Right?

My beautiful, sweet and loving friends are so wonderful to me. They say, “Oh, you’re not fat!” and “You may have gained some weight but you are nowhere near what you used to be, right?” and “We love you just the way you are and we know you’ll find someone [mate] who feels the same!” Well you know, it’s like Groucho Marx once said, “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” I don’t want to date a guy who likes fat girls. As fat as I am, I don’t feel fat. I never thought about it while gaining the weight, but now that I am thinking about it, I really don’t believe I ever planned on staying fat. I think subconsciously I believed I would only be fat until I could get over my insecurities. I believed I would only stay heavy until I was ready to try once again to share my innermost self with someone.

And I guess I am ready.

The evening after my doctor’s visit, I threw out every item of junk food I had in the house. Cake and brownie mixes, oven fries, hot dogs, frozen pizza and junk cereal. I went to the store and stocked up on the foods I came to love during the years I was fit and healthy. I was a woman with a mission. I dug out my old sports bra; I found my old gym bag.

Today I went for my usual walk only I left the dogs at home. I love walking them but they distract my purpose and I never feel I’m really burning any fat while I’m walking them. I took a route through residential Portsmouth that I used to take every day as a thin jogger. As I rounded a certain corner on this route it occurred to me that I used to look forward to that corner with a zealous abandonment. The corner comes after a long, steady uphill grade and it descends into a long, steady, downhill grade. Then the route flattens out and leads back to where I park the car. It was always the perfect ending to a perfect run. I wasn’t running today, but my heart jogged in place of my feet when I took that corner and I know that soon, I will be running down that hill again.

I may have to purchase another sports bra for now – it wouldn’t be very good for my ego if I had to report to the emergency room to be cut out of the old small-sized one after a good, sweaty workout – but my old sneakers still fit and I’ve got plenty of baggy sweatpants to wear. My first goal is just to fit my Ben Folds concert T-shirt without any tight spots. I’ll post updates for those who might be curious as to whether I make it to that goal. Eventually, I’d like to want to show my naked self to a hot man. But I’ll take the T-shirt for now.

2000......................................................2005..............................................2006??

REALLY GOOD SEASON c'97

It’s been a really good season
Good time for honest treason
Lots of time to
Tear the house down

I’m having a grudge match with God
I’ve been putting the damage on
I always have to be wrong
I’m listening in on rhyme and reason
I’m beside myself and screaming
Had a really good season
Ticket sales went up
When I called my bluff

It’s been a really good season
Good time for honest treason
Lots of time to tear the house down
Lots of time to put the screws on
Tightened them up
Got a little tough
It’s been a really good season

I’m picking up where you left off
Never had the chance to get off
Tell me why it is you stopped
I’m having the time of my life
Every day it’s a new old fight
I always have to be right
Did you lose your touch
Did you have enough
Well I don’t need you
I can do it too

It’s been a really good season
Good time for honest treason
Lots of time to tear the house down
Lots of time to put the screws on
Tightened them up
Got a little tough
It’s been a really good season

I have a debt with God you see
He’s giving all the bills to me
I always thought it was free
The price went up
When He called my bluff
It’s been a lose-lose thing
A catch 22 thing

Posted by at 01:59 PM | Comments (8)

Michael Moore For President

Does anyone else still have their mouth hanging open after watching the news yesterday? President Bush wants to sell six of our seaports to the United Arab Emirates. He wants this deal so badly he has proclaimed that he will veto any effort to stop this sale. The $6.8 billion sale would affect commercial port operations in New York, New Jersey, Baltimore, New Orleans, Miami and Philadelphia.

Bush considers the UAE our allies and thinks it would be sending "mixed signals" to deny the sale. Um, excuse me, but WTF and also, WGAS*??

Is it not sending mixed signals to spy on citizens of the nation that you were "elected" to protect the freedoms of? Is it not hypocritical to refuse to allow protests, limit free speech and overturn confidentialities that we have thusfar enjoyed as citizens of the great United States of America? Is this not the most hypocritical leader of our country's history?

Republicans, including Senate majority leader Bill Frist and House Speaker Dennis Hastert, are calling for a semi-emergency state, an "immediate moratorium," to halt the sale. Both have joined a bipartisan outcry of congress who want the handover delayed and reviewed. NYC governor has declared that his state will do all it can to prevent his port from being controlled by the UAE. The deal is scheduled to close on 2 March.

You know, I'm all for touchy-feely make-up sex with our middle-eastern brethren. We as a nation should be nice to Arabs as we should be nice to any nation; they are fellow human beings on this planet we all share. But selling six major ports to the Arab Emirates, which was used as a financial and operational base for some 9/11 hijackers, is in my opinion giving too much freedom too soon to the bad boyfriend to break our hearts once again. It's leaving our most vulnerable spots wide open for mischief. It's like taking a nap in a prison courtyard wearing a miniskirt and no panties. It's insane. I would rather be seen as a mistrustful nation by the UAE (yeah, like they trust us so much, snort!) than take a chance with our national security, wouldn't you?

I challenge the people who scoffed at Michael Moore's Farenheit 9-11 to come forward and admit their mistaken judgement. Bush and his clan have been in bed with the Arabs for so long I'm surprised he's not wearing an Agal. Well, maybe he does in his bathroom. It's just another example of Bush's out of control megalomania setting the stage for all of us. He might as well say, "It's not my agenda what American citizens want. Who even cares what my own political party wants? My family owes these Arabs personally, and I'm going to sell off bits of America to show my appreciation for all they've done for the great Bush dynasty."

I urge everyone to view, if you have or if you haven't, Farenheit 9-11 with an open mind as soon as you can. I'm not sure what, if anything, we as a nation can do to stop this madness for two more years. However, if we all start reading from the same page, perhaps we can make better choices in 2008 than we did in 2004.

If we're still living in a democracy by then.

_________________________________
*who gives a shit?

Posted by at 08:35 AM | Comments (28)

There Are Options, Part Deux

Okay, now we'll talk about options on a less serious level. Since Kelly's current Walmart blog entry is supposed to be sticking to employee issues, I thought I'd post an entry on my personal "alternative" shopping venues. Feel free to post your own.

1. Fresh Produce: Golden Harvest Produce Market, Us Route 1Kittery, ME 03904, (207) 439-2113. They have organic produce, unsalted all natural nuts, dog biscuits, natural peanut butter, juices, dairy products, imported pastas, gourmet cheeses, wine, flowers, and even a soup & salad bar and more! Ummmm! And very well priced!

2. Discount Merchandise #1: Big Lots, 2454 Lafayette Rd Ste 4 (Shaw's Plaza), Portsmouth, NH 03801, (603) 422-9973. Sometimes you can find super deals on pet items. I got a collapsible metal XL dog crate for under $50. Try that at even Walmart. Also got a huge pet bed for $20 and a covered cat pan for $5. The merchandise has a high turnover, so stop in whenever you're in the area.

3. Discount Merchandise #2: Family Dollar Store, 2454 Lafayette Rd, Ste 4 (Shaw's Plaza), Portsmouth, NH 03801, (603) 431-4413. Again, super deals on some pet items. I got a 15' tie out for $5 ($20 at Petco!). It's a good place for seasonal items, like Christmas decorations for outside, Easter stuff, etc. When you have 5 furry pets like myself, you go through a lot of small area rugs. This is a good place for such "disposable" items. You will find awesome deals on brand-name toiletries and good quality candles too.

4. Oil Change, etc: VIP Auto, 2179 Lafayette Road 03801 603-431-1125. A regular oil change for $18 and a synthetic oil change for $34.99. Most of their services rival the Walmart "Auto" centers in price, and guess what? They KNOW what they're doing! They will DO the service! When I used to use Walmart, I can't tell you how many times I heard, "Oh, we don't do that." VIP staff have always treated me right and often fixed small things for free.

5. Children's Clothing: Children's Orchard, 105 Gosling Rd, Portsmouth, NH 03801, (603) 436-8704. I have used Children's Orchard for both my boys and always find super deals on gently used clothing. Check out their "play clothes" section, you can find super specimens for 99 cents and up. They also have gently used shoes, snowclothes, toys, videos, and items like cribs, carriages, jogging strollers etc. BONUS: They buy clothing back! You have to make an appointment to bring your clothes in, but if your kids aren't exceptionally hard on clothing, you can make back a good deal of what you spent.

6. Groceries: Shaw's (many different stores): Shaw's can be pricey on some things, but they double coupons up to 99 cents and have lots of buy one, get one (or two!) free specials, as well as several dollar deals every week. Check out the flyer and clip some coupons and you can possibly save some big bucks. My biggest coup was $80 of groceries for $24. WOW!

7. Books: Goodwill Retail, 2454 Lafayette Rd, Ste 4 (Shaw's Plaza), Portsmouth, NH 03801, (603) 430-2040. If you're not looking for a specific book (I'd suggest Amazon used section for that), but just to browse a general subject or just to browse, period, try the Goodwill's book section. AWESOME! Children's books are 59 cents and 99 cents and other books are 99 cents for paperback and 1.99 for most hardback books. Great deal for an eclectic reader like myself. BONUS: You can donate them back when you're done, and take part in the American charitable tax write-off tradition.

8. Music: Bullmoose Music, 82 Congress St Apt 86, Portsmouth, NH 03801, (603) 422-9525. I LOVE BULLMOOSE. Their CDs are generally $12-14 and they have the world's best used CD/Vinyl/Video Game collection. They also have the area's best local music CDs available. If they don't have it, they will order it. BONUS: With the frequent buyer's card you collect points for half off whatever amount. ADDITIONAL BONUS: The sell-back factor. They offer fantastic rates on buying your used music/video/games. I made $100 once! You even get more if you choose store credit. Woo hoo!

9. Most Everything Else: EBAY! Check it out. If you have patience and a quick finger on the mouse, you can save some SERIOUS bucks. Think about it. On ebay, values tend to get lower, because there are so many people offering the same thing for sale. I got a humongous cat tree for $89.00 - SHIPPED. Try getting one of those at Walmart. BONUS: The sell-back factor. You can sell anything as well as buy anything.

These are my favorite money-saving retail stores (you've gotta love that deal-time trifecta, Shaw's Plaza). Nine more reasons you don't have to go into Walmart. Did I mention that (with the exception of some Shaw's markets, depending on their locations) you don't have to deal with an airport-sized parking lot? Do you have any retailers you'd like to share? I'd like some ideas on: Optical care, electronics, toys, and also more examples of what I've listed as well. Bring it on!

Posted by at 01:59 PM | Comments (5)

There Are Options

Never-ending media coverage of battles for and against abortion choice, fetal rights, parental notification, equal say in childbirth/adoption for both parents, etc. has lately made me do some big reflecting. Age, experience and maturity would allow me to raise another child if an unplanned pregnancy occurred within my womb (it won't).

But what of the immature girl, not quite grown up herself, who chooses live birth and not adoption? She will try and raise the child while still growing up and the child will probably suffer. Why isn't adoption more championed in this country? If only I had had the adoption options available to single, pregnant girls and women today, my oldest son might have had a very different life. When I was carrying him in 1984, however, adoption "options" were virtually nonexistent. The process involved no contact between the adoptive parents and the biological mother. She was told very little, if anything, about them. She had to trust her own flesh and blood to a complete stranger to be placed in the hands of complete strangers. The mother was treated as the employee, not the client. It is so very different now. The biological mother holds all the cards. In 1984, I held no cards and wasn’t allowed to even peek at the deck.

My oldest son would likely have benefited from being adopted by a mature couple ready and eager to raise him instead of an ill-prepared 17 year old girl. He was, in fact, supposed to be adopted. The agency and my parents had the adoptive couple all lined up. I knew nothing about them. All plans were made against my inner will, although outwardly I agreed to them. I signed pre-adoption papers. I tried and was encouraged to ignore the growing fetus inside me in an attempt to not bond with it. Unaware of my adoption plans, the nurses presented my son to me in the delivery room. I knew then that I wasn't going to be able to give him up to strangers. It was too terrifiying.

I can't say for certain he would have been better off with the adoptive family chosen for him, because I knew nothing about the family. His adoption was arranged akin to placing an unwanted puppy in the newspaper. Word was put out in the tiny town that my baby needed a family, so someone stepped up. This was my perception; I knew nothing of the facts and had to rely on my young, inexperienced imagination to put it together. Conventional wisdom was to keep the biological mother as detached as possible to avoid any last minute upsets. All was arranged over and around, but never with, me.

I’m thankful I didn’t hand him over to the unknown couple. I can't imagine life without him in it. He's my son, and I'm his mother, and I'm pretty sure that now at the age of 20 he wouldn't trade me in. (Not so sure about that five or ten years ago!) Though, had I been in the same situation in our current times with all the control, knowledge and support that the biological mother is afforded, I think I would have placed him for adoption. It would have made a lot more sense than it did in the scenario that took place twenty years ago. Adoption wouldn't have been nearly so frightening.

Fast forward to over a decade later. My youngest son came at an extremely inopportune time in my life. I was making plans with my songwriting partner to quit my job and head out on tour. We were in the middle of recording our CD and had spent thousands in the studio when I found myself pregnant. A baby sure was going to muck things up. But, from the moment I knew about my pregnancy, I wanted this child. I was 29 years old and in a good place emotionally and physically, for the first time in my life. There was nothing to hold me back from being a good mother and raising a child.

His father wanted me to have an abortion from the get-go. In fact he would ask me on a daily basis if I had considered it yet. I would tell him I would think about it just to appease him and get him off my case. But in truth I never considered it. I actually did consider adoption, during a period when I was feeling defeated by the baby's father's persistent reluctance. In the end, however, I knew I wanted to raise him myself, no matter what sacrifices I had to make or how much his father resisted the idea.

I sit with my young son on my lap and we watch stars come out in our backyard at night. We go exploring on our bikes and we snuggle in down comforters reading bed time stories. I taught him to tie his shoes, ride a bike, read chapter books, use a potty. He turns his face up to me with questions about life and I am overcome with love.

I watch the latest comedy movies with my oldest son and he points out the punch lines that I don't get. He writes beautifully lyrical rhymes and intense metaphors. I taught him how to change a tire, attended a thousand soccer games and school plays. He asks me questions about things like car care and taxes and checkbooks and I love being there to answer.

I wish I could take every girl or woman considering abortion who has yet to give birth into my past and show her all I've learned. Perhaps it would change her mind?

In my opinion, a woman who is selfless enough to consider adoption above her own wants & needs is more than half-way on the road to being a great mom anyway. Women who are convinced they just cannot rise to the occasion might be surprised to find that they are perfect for the job. On the other hand, a girl or woman who is truly not in a good place to take on raising a child should be automatically considering adoption, not abortion. Why isn't that the case? I believe the reason so many women choose abortion right away is because the option is constantly in their faces. Pro-lifers must not realize that they are inadvertantly pushing abortion just by keeping the issue in bright lights.

I wish all the activists, pro-life and pro-choice, would turn their energies upon championing adoption and parenting options. I am sick of all their fighting, name calling, insulting, and damning each other, to the point where I don’t listen at all. Why don't both camps discard the politics and unite in the adoption and parenting options crusades? It's not as though abortion activists are "anti-life." No one wants anyone to have an abortion. Adoption as a viable solution to unplanned pregnancy is something both camps can agree on. Parenting should be encouraged as well. Let's push the abortion debate to the back burner for a while and concentrate on what it will take to convince a woman or couple to choose another option. Let's see what happens.

I think if abortion clinics and counselors spent even a small amount of time researching patients' circumstances and offering alternatives, more women would be having their babies. It should be the pro-choicer's goal to reduce the number of abortions performed. Maybe abortion clinics could have copies of Lennart Nillson's book "A Child is Born" strewn about the waiting room. An adoption counselor could be on-hand with photo albums of prospective adoptive parents. Physicians or counselors could discuss the merits of parenting with each potential patient, and photos of babies with their mothers hung on the walls. More effort should be made to discourage abortions. I'm not saying that abortion should be illegal, but pro-choicers and clinic employees need to get over whatever it is that keeps them from trying to discourage abortions, or at least presenting the other options first. Most womens' clinics, where most abortions are performed, offer pregnancy, STD and birth control care also, so it's not like they would be jobless if less women chose abortions.

Pro-lifers should stop parading around clinics with placards picturing disfigured fetuses and instead show compassion and focus on providing information about other options to pregnant women seeking abortions. Frightened, unsure pregnant women are not going to respond positively to gory photos and condemnation. They, and their partners, need support and maybe some kind steering toward the adoption or parenting direction. And I believe most women choosing abortion are indeed frightened and unsure. It's the rare woman who enters and leaves an abortion clinic with a happy-go-lucky smile on her face.

If pro-life and pro-choice activists spent half the time and money in putting the spotlight on adoption and parenting that they put into pushing their cause and undermining the other’s cause, how many lives might be saved? How many young pregnant women would choose adoption because *that’s* all they hear about in the news? How many potential abortion patients might choose motherhood instead, with some encouragement? How many women would choose adoption at first and end up realizing they are able and willing to raise their child after having 9 months to think about it, instead of having had a knee-jerk reaction abortion? How many fathers might pester their partners for adoption or parenting instead of the traditional abortion? Will we ever know?

ALIENS (c '98)

He is growing daily
A little alien inside me
Floating in his black space
Totally unaware
Of the traumas without,
Knowing nothing
But my voice.
I speak to him
I say
"Hello! I'm waiting!
I can't wait to see you!"
His arms stretch out
His head turns up
When I sing
His back curls down
His legs fold up
When I shout.
He doesn't know
Your voice yet.
You speak to me
You say
"Hurry! There's still time!
You can't wait much longer!"
Your arms fold up
Your head turns down
When I disagree
Your back is to me
Your legs pull away
When I cry.
We grow apart daily
And you are an alien beside me
Floating in your black space
Totally unaware
Of the traumas within,
Knowing nothing.

Posted by at 10:46 AM | Comments (12)

My Bologna Has a First Name, It's O-S-C-A-R

Please don’t let this entry stop you from reading Cinemallory’s delightful-as-usual entry about the Oscars. I was just doodling around after a spirited exchange with Ms Mallory and came up with a top ten list of things I’d rather do than watch the 3 hour long Academy Awards.

BULLY'S TOP TEN WARDING OFF THE AWARDS SHOW ACTIVITIES

10. (As I noted in her blog) Open cans of cat food with a manual can opener (estimated result – one can for every five minutes X three hour show = 36 cans, I’ll be a month ahead of myself with the cat food chore).

9. Fold all my paper bags and stuff the plastic ones into one main plastic bag. I usually put this chore off and end up with a kitchen drawer full of paper and plastic bags. I could use the three hours to actually organize them. It would be months before I’d have to dig under my car seats to find a suitable poop bag for my dogs during our walks.

8. Play Monopoly with my 7 year old. This game usually takes 2 hours or so. But with my little novice it’s sure to eat up at least 3 if not 4 hours.

7. Clip my dogs’ toenails. Both dogs are notoriously evil about this chore. 1.5 hours each is about right to get all 20 digits done.

6. Watch the Papillon video I got for Christmas. Oh wait, damn, that’s only 150 minutes. Okay, with the remaining ½ hour I’ll make a list of the top ten reasons Papillon is better than the Oscars. (#10. It’s fun… #9. It’s entertaining… #8. Dega now has more integrity than Jon Stewart…)

5. Count out all the goldfish crackers in the bag to see if there really are 13 servings per bag. After all, it’s the snack that smiles back, and it shouldn’t lie.

4. Cover my body completely with shea butter in an effort to combat winter itchy skin. I’ve gained some weight, this will take some time.

3. Two words – computer solitaire. Okay, one more – hearts.

2. Open up my yahoo junk mail account and read each and every spam that has been collecting in the junk mail box since the last time I opened it – I think in October? Forward the really bad ones to rude people. Get my foot in the door for the e-annoyance law blacklist.

1. And the top thing I would rather do than watch the Oscars – re-read all of Cinemallory’s entertaining movie blog entries! (My favorite so far, the Hostel review.)

So, if you are one of the people who love the ceremony, or one of the people like Mallory who dread the ceremony but love the outcome, please let me know how it went. I always find a strange, voyeuristic satisfaction from hearing how other people adore things I compare to fingernails on a chalkboard. If you are someone like me who doesn’t know who Oscar is or why Hollywood actors make so much money, please feel free to bogart from my list.

Posted by at 04:15 PM | Comments (6)