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Where oh where has my little heart gone?

Whoooeeee, man. Things are really heating up in here. By "here," I mean, "my brain." Feels like a tropical hurricane is wrenching its way through my cranial capillaries. Although my extremities are on fire, there is an iceberg slowly rising into the gaping space where my heart ought to be.

Not sure if my meds need adjusting, or if the stressors in my personal life are bubbling up to the surface (most likely a combination of the two). I have been irregular with my brain candy schedule and let's face it, being constantly broke, worrying about my family, and unhappy in my new job are not conducive to exquisite mental health.

The upshot is that I've been eating poorly, not exercising enough, attempting to stay in denial, and slinging insults left and right over on the forums - in fact I got put into a "time out" by an administrator. (DOH!)

I think I may put myself into a time out. I feel too mean and ornery lately. Now I usually have a friendly demeanor (as friendly as a bull can be) and am a happy person. However lately I am overstepping my boundaries (which are pretty vague anyway) by cruelly pointing out mental inferiorities, bad spelling and blatant stupidity to people on the seacoast forums. I don't want to be a big blue meanie. I just can't help myself lately - I am heartless. I want to be friendly. I want to give and receive warm, fuzzy sentiments. But these barbs and evil comments are all I can manage to get out, when what I really want to say is, MY BROTHER HAS BRAIN CANCER, MY CAR IS FALLING APART, WE'RE STILL IN IRAQ AND YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT GARY LOST-IN-TEN-SQUARE-FEET-OF-FUCKING-WOODS DODDS?

Deep breath. It is now myself that must STFU!

I'm taking my ball and going home. Snuffle, snortle, snurf. I'll be back when I find my happy place.

Posted by Bullyland at 11:03 AM | Comments (7)

Hey mister, can you spare a dime for a brother?

My mom, brother, and sister-in-law will kill me for printing this, but I personally know a lot of the people who read my blog and I wanted to get this out to any who may be interested in helping out. Please forgive me this opportunity to solicit. I just want to do what I can for my little brother and his wife. My mom did up this letter that she sent out to family and friends, and I got hold of it, so now I'm blatantly posting it.

Dear Family and Friends:

Carol and Ralph
email for mailing address

Posted by Bullyland at 04:16 PM | Comments (3)

Black Tuesday

I commute to work, about 50 minutes either way (includes dropping kid off at school). Sometimes we listen to audiobooks, other times music, sometimes we make up stories. When my son isn't with me for the commute, sometimes I just get lost in thought with no radio, CDs or conversation at all.

This morning was one of those quiet mornings where me and my child were lost in our own thoughts, he playing quietly with his Beanies and me thinking about nothing in particular. I noticed that I had three big black pickup trucks in front of me and passed two more that were parked at a convenient store. Wow, I thought, what are the odds. Then I spotted two more in oncoming traffic. I started counting trucks. Not just trucks, but black pickup trucks. By the time I got to work I'd counted 36. Can you believe that? I don't think there were any other colored trucks on the road today at all! Is black the new red in pickup trucks? Don't all these people know how hard it is to keep a black truck clean? Was there a special down at the Dodge dealer on black trucks only? I personally don't think there's anything creepier than a big black pickup truck - didn't any of these people ever see any scary movies from the 80s? I spotted at least one black SUV for every two or three black pickup trucks too, but I didn't count those. For this evening's commute I'm going to count them again, just to see if the numbers match up.

Oh well, you can just file this under completely random, retarded and useless blog entries, but please don't try to sue me for your wasted time. After all, you didn't get this blog site by accident, and I do come with a disclaimer.

"Howdy Ma'am! Could ya use some help with that there flat tire?"

Posted by Bullyland at 11:09 AM | Comments (2)

Poor Me

I've been going through an incredibly rough time financially. All year long I've been living less than paycheck to paycheck, alternating months with my bills, bargaining with utility companies, etc. I lost my cell phone when I couldn't pay the bill. I got a lien put on my house by the sewer company when I couldn't pay my bill. One week, the day before payday, I was $585.00 in the negative with my bank. To say I've been struggling would be incorrect. I'm so tightly bound I can't even struggle.

Part of it is my fault. Shit, well, most of it is my fault. First I bought this house and I knew that I would always be living hand to mouth. I knew that if something serious happened I'd be screwed. I haven't saved a dime. When it was possible for me to save, I didn't - because the amount I could have saved seemed so insignificant. Now I wish I had. I haven't spent the money I have had wisely at all. It's not that I'm a spendthrift, it's just that I haven't made wise choices. And now I'm paying for it. I made some poor choices at the beginning of the year with a health tax savings plan that left me with a lot less money in each paycheck.

Payday after payday goes by with no light at the end of the tunnel. If I make it to payday only a hundred dollars in the red, I'm doing pretty well. Now that I've screwed myself into this financial hole I can only do my best and wait out the storm. Hopefully next year I will be doing better moneywise - I won't be making the same mistake with the health tax plan and I'll have learned some hard, hard lessons about managing my money this year. When I think about the fact that it's only June, I have to force myself to not freak out completely. I still have more than half a year to go! Oh no! But I've made it this far, I'm half way there, and I know I'll make it to December. Christmas will definitely be basic this year, but again, it's a lesson learned.

One of the girls I work with is Cape Verdean. Her family immigrated to the United States when she was a young girl. They settled in Massachusetts and her aunt now owns a restaurant featuring Cape Verdean cuisine. Her father worked his way up the corporate ranks and is now a successful businessman. His daughter, my co-worker, joined the Air Force and has completed two Associate's degrees with her Bachelor's being granted this July. None of these accomplishments are any small feat. According to Wikipedia, Cape Verde's gross domestic product ranks 158th out of 179 in the world. I'm certain her family didn't have much to go on when they arrived in this country - just a dream of providing a better life for their children.

At work the day before payday, I was checking out my bank balance online. Again, I was in the red, this time a little over $100. I sighed loudly, put my head on my desk, and gave it a little thump. "I'm so sick of this," I said.

"Sick of what?" my co-worker asked, not looking up, typing away at her terminal.

"I'm sick of being poor," I sighed.

Without stopping her typing, she looked me in the eye and without a trace of sarcasm she replied, "No. You're not poor."

I felt my face starting to turn pink and, embarrassed, I sheepishly said, "No, you are right. I'm not poor. I'm just broke."

"And it's your own fault." She said, the sing-song accent of her voice handing no judgement down, only a fact.

"Yes," I replied.

Her little poke allowed me to laugh at myself and my petty sorrows a little bit that day, as I imagined what it must have been like for her as a child, to really be poor. What constitution it must have taken for her parents to travel to a country across the world, where they barely had more than their clothes and only vaguely understood the language and customs - believing that it could only be better. Here, in America. Where I fret because I can only get the basics this week at the grocery store and have to sew a hole in my son's pants instead of buying a new pair.

I am humbled, but I am not poor.

Posted by Bullyland at 02:22 PM | Comments (0)

How Gay.

So the president wants a constitutional amendment banning gay marriages. Where does he get off? Does he think he's king? Since when can the president tell people who they are allowed to love and be life-committed to? We have amendments that entitle women and minorities to equal rights. Why is sexual orientation such a different animal than skin color or private parts?

As far as I'm concerned, marriage is a personal choice. People should be free to make a commitment to any adult they so choose. People should be allowed to legally marry the person they love in order to better provide for their family with the benefits and security that they may already possess through their employers. I admire that kind of commitment, one I could never make.

We still have amendments that state anything not in the Constitution is relegated to the States and the People, yet that right is constantly trampled upon by this administration. He is taking more power away from the States every day. It is now illegal for anyone to drive without a seatbelt. States that legalized medicinal marijuana have been trumped by the federal law. Now he wants to take away the right that several states have given their citizens: the right to marry whom they choose. Doesn't anyone realize these issues violate the ninth and tenth Amendments?

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people. [Note: This implies that beyond the specific rights guaranteed in the other clauses and amendments (freedom of speech, press, due process, etc.) there are other rights retained by the people, which the federal government--and state governments--may not infringe]

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.

Basically, the president is trying to get an amendment so that he can cancel out this amendment.

Food for thought:

We have no amendment regarding health care.

We have no amendment regarding education.

We have no amendment regarding social security or the welfare of our elderly citizens.

We have no amendment regarding immigration.

We have no amendment regarding overspending by Congress.

We have no amendment regarding the power to declare war on another nation.

I'm not saying there should or should not be amendments to the Constitution regarding any or all of the above points. But, how dare this president take it upon himself to attempt to amend the constitution with such a trivial matter when so many very important matters are left unattended? (Side note: How can the vice president betray his own daughter by supporting this amendment?)

This president's megalomania as well as his skewed sense of perspective will never cease to amaze me.

All I can say is, thank God for the twenty-second Amendment:

Amendment XXII

No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice, and no person who has held the office of President, or acted as President, for more than two years of a term to which some other person was elected President shall be elected to the office of the President more than once....

Posted by Bullyland at 09:34 AM | Comments (3)

Veggie Tales

I thought I'd post some notes on my progress as a new vegetarian as well as my exercise plan. I'm psyched at all the goodness that's come about:

1. I haven't had an acid reflux attack in over a week. It was so bad that I had prescription meds for it. Yay!

2. I have tons more energy. I've been able to get up on time for at least a week now - even when I indulge and stay up til after the late news. Just yesterday - I walked 2.5 miles at lunch, took the dogs for a walk with my son when we got home, and then we rode our bikes to the ball park where we played on the playground. Last night, I was exhausted - but in a good way - and fell right asleep. Oh yeah, that leads me to ....

3. ... Falling to sleep much easier! Staying asleep through the night!

4. I don't have this swollen feeling that was starting to get on my nerves. I was feeling more and more like I was retaining water or something, a high-blood-pressure feeling. It's almost completely gone. I want to go and check my blood pressure today. Last time I had it checked it was high for me. I'll bet it's gone down!

5. I'm setting a fab example for my 7 year old. He's been bragging to his dad & friends about how his mom is a "vedgadarian." He's starting to eat what I eat, without my nagging. He actually CHOSE an apple clear out of the blue yesterday. I usually have to offer fruit or veggies to him - and he usually won't eat them. He went LOOKING for one. Whoa!

I've been getting more on track with exercising. I've been speed-walking every day as well as riding bikes with my boy, and I'm hoping to add some weightlifting soon. Too bad I gave away my dumbbells on freecycle. Oh well, I'm sure I can find some more in the same place! Hopefully within a few months I'll be jogging again.

I'm definitely not ready to go vegan, and I'm not sure I ever will. I'm still eating lots of dairy - cheese, milk, yogurt. I'm still eating eggs a couple of times a week, though I'm starting to lose my taste for them. I also have had tuna once a week, so I guess I'm not a total vegetarian - more like a "veggie-tuna-tarian?"

I am looking at meat with new eyes. I can't help but think of the actual cow when I see a burger or steak, the chicken when I see popcorn chicken, etc. I was asked to clean the chicken breasts for a cookout at work and was actually nauseated by the end of it. Cutting through the flesh was sickening. I'm waiting for the moment when even handling tuna makes me ill. It will, eventually, I'm sure. I have to say, I'm not projecting this on to others though. I still believe that if a person wants to eat meat, that's their choice and right.

My favorite new thing is smoothies. Here is a simple smoothy that I love and gets me going in the morning:

1/2 cup nonfat vanilla yogurt
1/2 cup skim milk
toss in some berries and/or bananas, blend, voila! Instant smoothie. I freeze the fruit, and that way it's nice and thick & cold without having to water it down with ice.

Clearly I'm doing something right since I'm feeling so much better. I haven't gotten on the scale and don't see much difference in my clothes (of course, they are all baggy clothes so how would I tell?), but my rings fit much better than they did a couple of weeks ago. I won't get on the scale until I'm certain I've lost at least 10 or 15 lbs. Actually, I may never get on the scale, I just hate that freakin' thing. Muscle weighs more than fat anyway.

Well, I'm off. I've got to get my breakfast (a banana, some cashews and a glass of skim milk) in time to be able to work out at noon.

See ya in the produce aisle!

Posted by Bullyland at 09:36 AM | Comments (6)