6) RUNNING WITH SCISSORS

A masterpiece of grand delusions, only to be outdone by the massive egos that crushed any chance for a glimmer of light to shine out of the bowels of this adaptive catastrophe. DID the real Augusten fudge his life story for recognition? Who cares. Hopefully in the future, someone won't give writer/director Ryan Murphy the pen if the studio is lame enough to hand him the camera. Remember Annette Bening's awkward, strained, robotic acceptance speech at the Golden Globes a few years back for Being Julia? Sure you don't. But it's more painful than that. Like, times a thousand.

5) THE DA VINCI CODE

Ron Howard has balls. Big, shiny balls. He made an outrageously expensive movie based upon an even most outrageously bad book that everyone bought and read, except me...
and what did he do? He hired the worst fecking writer in all of Hollywood to pen the 2 hrs and 30+ (or equal to eternity) movie. Akiva Goldsman, the guy who gave us Batman And Robin made Tom Hanks seem amateurish for the first time (it is worse than Bosom Buddies), and Audrey Tautou drab (you thought it could never be done... me as well). Only Paul Bettany got to have some fun in this super pop-religious-action-adventure blockbuster. He played Silas, the albino monk with a dream, a hit-list and a gun... and made me wish I did too.

4) NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM

... BUT THIS IS A KIDS MOVIE... I'm an adult, and I'm not the target audience. Tough cookies, half pints! I shoulda, woulda, coulda LOVED this movie about 10 years ago, because 10 years ago, I liked Jumanji, no matter how much it deviated from the book. But this? It's not even worth compromising for the sake of my inner child. Dopey divorced cliché dad Larry is played by Ben Stiller. Concerned ex mommy who- guess what!- is dating a dopey guy, wants Larry patch things up with dopey son (played by the worst kid actor in a long time, who's name is Jake Cherry- and thankfully, he doesn't have any new projects listed on IMDB).
I admire Robin Williams (Theodore Roosevelt... who woulda thought) for making two not-so-fantastic family films this year and getting away unscathed from both of them- rightfully so, since Night At The Museum (Ishtar to RV's Lawrence of Arabia) is all about the lameness, and nobody makes lameness less painful like Robin Williams. But the colossal lameness of Night At The Museum is the unforgettable kind- the kind where, you'll see that its still making money at the box office, or in the near future, is listed the #1 selling DVD of the week/month/century, and just feel like ripping as many copies of the film apart with your bare hands... even if it requires your own blood to be shed. This isn't a movie- it's junk food at 24 frames per second.

3) WHEN A STRANGER CALLS

It's a PG-13 horror remake produced by a studio called Screen Gems. Oh, the irony.

2) THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA

It's like Pretty Woman. Pretty Stupid Woman. Anne Hathaway does the same stuff she did in BOTH Princess Diaries movies... except this time, she doesn't get the guy. No, she doesn't. She instead gets the shoes, the bag, the coat, the blouse... all the material, shallow things ladies like me want, but don't end up sacrificing our ENTIRE CAREER GOALS ON for the sake of being a total masochist. Having a bad job is one thing, but suffering through an abusive job just because there are soooo many other girls out there who would "die" for it is to be devoid of a brain. All I got out of watching this picture was seeing Meryl Streep look bored, for absolutely no reason besides the fact that she's the villian, and having the one conscious individual in the film, Emily, played by the slightly entertaining Emily Blunt, get hit by a car, when Anne Hathaway's guppy Andrea jaywalks a dozen times or so. Life is not fair, and The Devil Wears Prada is not good filmmaking- the film is much like a stereotypical model- long, thin, lanky, and without any substance.

1) HOSTEL

I did doubt the awfulness of this movie a short while ago, but when a sibling of mine described it as "Gore 'N Porn," I started to boil inside. Not only is Hostel not scary, it's obvious that Roth himself wants nothing more than to gross-out the audience out as much as possible, all while paying homage/ripping off other movies that did it better time and time again... oh, and don't forget the useless scenes of gratuitous sex for the male viewers.
Takashi Miike, the filmmaker who's made a few movies that actually made me cover my eyes, shows up as one of the sicko businessmen in a cameo, but that's not to suggest that Roth himself will be a master of gore much like Miike one day- Eli Roth has the passion that any filmmaker needs to be successful, but at the current rate he's working at, is that going to happen anytime soon? Probably not- Hostel: Part II hits screens this summer.

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