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You Want Me To Watch What?!

I guess you could say I’m a pretty liberal and open person. I don’t get embarrassed talking about sex, I love going to the classy adult store in Orlando (Fairvilla, def check it out if you’re ever in town J), and to be quite honest, I am a HUGE Playboy fan. I do however understand that this is not always the case and that some people, particularly women, become very embarresed/threated/jealous/whatever when it comes to many things. The one thing that I’d like to focus on today is pornography.

Porn—yea I know I just freaked some of you out solely by saying the word, but please continue to read anyways—is, to some extent, a normal and healthy thing. So to ease you in to the subject, let’s discuss some common genres. Now if you go in to a sex store or porn store, or even your local video store quite possibly, you’ll see that there really is porn for anyone. For the skiddish there is lots of softcore stuff where although there is some female nudity, you don’t see any insertion, which may make you feel more comfortable. For the wild ones there is anything from orgies, to bondage, to lots of different fetishes. And for all you out there who are just looking for sex, nothing special, there is your regular everyday fun yet calm sex, whether it be girl-guy, girl-girl, or guy-guy. Please be aware that on the internet there are many genres that although you may think are perverted/sick/degrading (and I am not including when I say this things that are illegal- stuff like that is horrible and should be eliminated from the world all together), others may not, so when it comes to what kind of porn people watch please don’t judge. I’m not agreeing with the farm animal sex you see on online advertisements, I’m just saying don’t be an ass to other people’s preferences. Ok, so now that we’ve talked about some different kinds of porn, let’s pick at people’s insecurities with pornography. I know that men do have insecurities when it comes to porn, and why shouldn’t they, have you seen the size of some of those guys (haha- just kidding guys!), but mainly it’s really women who have the problem (not that it’s a bad problem). I think the thing that women really forget when it comes to porn is that porn is a fantasy. Most people don’t watch porn of what they have at home. I mean would you go out for ice cream if you had some already in the freezer, no you’d go out for a hamburger instead. So ladies, when your man has porn of blonde haired women with DDs, don’t freak out if you’re a brunette with only a B. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t think you’re sexy or that he isn’t attracted to you; it just means he likes many different things. And guys, don’t get upset when we freak out and act jealous over the girl in the porn you watch. The reason women get upset about things like that is because we can’t change that about ourselves, therefore we have no clue what to do other than get jealous and make a big fuss, so get off our backs about it haha. Another insecurity people seem to have with porn is the actual idea/act of watching two people have sex. Ya know at first, this really got me too. I mean it is kind of weird. But you have to keep in mind that these people want to be watched, and that no matter what anyone tells you, porn makes people horny! Not everyone, but most people. Ok so finally let’s talk about some uncomfortable situations we may get in to with porn. The most common one is definitely finding a boyfriend or girlfriend’s stash for the first time. My boyfriend and I were discussing this a few weeks ago and while I don’t think too much about his porn, his past girlfriends have really freaked out about it. I know that many of you immediately freak out the first time you find the person your dating’s stash, but there is really no need for this. There are however a few red flags to look for. If he/she has a few porn videos and a stack of magazines, don’t panic. If he/she has 3 shelves of videos and boxes of magazines, panic! Exception to this would be if they were perhaps a Playboy collector, but you’d be able to tell depending on how far back the magazines went. If he/she has porn of only one genre, don’t panic. If he/she has only porn of sex with animals or masochism, panic! If he/she gets porn in their email, ya know that junk they constantly send you (so annoying btw lol), don’t panic. If he/she has usernames and passwords saved for like 25 different porn websites, panic, a little! But please remember in all of this if you really aren’t comfortable with the porn your partner has, and they won’t give it up for you, you might want to move on. You don’t want to compromise your beliefs and values so your partner can have a little video fun.

Look the key to being ok with pornography is really about being ok with yourself. When I was growing up I wasn’t exactly comfortable with myself, and so obviously I thought porn was gross because why would I want to watch beautiful people do anything naked! But as I’ve grown older and really become comfortable with myself and how I look, I’ve learned that porn is ok and that there is no reason to feel jealous of these people. I may not look like them, but they’re on the tv. They can’t hurt me and they aren’t going to jump out and steal my boyfriend lol. Oh yea, and if I haven’t taught you anything from this blog entry, please just remember these 2 things: 1.) Please don’t ever force your partner in to watching porn. If they aren’t comfortable, they aren’t comfortable so leave them alone! 2.) Remember that porn is suppose to be something to liven up and add some fun to your relationship. It’s an additive. So if you are ok with it, try watching it with your partner. It’ll add lots of extra fun and some great ideas!

Posted by Manda at 03:15 PM | Comments (0)

Your Money, My Money, Our Money

So this blog isn't really an advice blog, it's more of "I'm in need of feedback" blog lol Anywho, the other night I was telling a story to my boyfriend that one of my professors told to my class. We were talking about how advertising affects people (sociology class btw) and she told us a story about how advertising and what society likes had effected her husband. She explained that they have a big game room in their house with a huge 52" HD plasma tv. Well one day she came home from work and there were 3, yes I said 3, brand new 36" plasma HD tvs mounted in 3 corners of the room. He had never consulted her about them, just bought them. Now I don't know if he bought them with their money or his own money, but that's not really what caused the arguement between my boyfriend and I.

At first I was upset when he said he wouldn't have called me either, it's his money why should he have to talk to me first. It's a big ass purchase that's why! lol But then it became this whole fight about when we're married (if that is- I mean no one knows the future) how we'll handle our money. My stand: we should have a joint account, checks with both our names on them, and when huge purchases are made the other should at least be notified before hand. His stand: that we should put an equal percentage of money from each check in a joint account and then also in a seperate personal account, which only me or him (who's ever it is) would have access to. Now neither of us have ever been married, so we really don't know what we're doing obviously. I was upset because I felt if we had seperate accounts that it was like a seperation in the marriage. I mean you're married shouldn't you realistically share everything? He was upset because he felt that we're both adults and that we need to be responsible for our own money. He also felt that we're adults and we shouldn't have to ask anyone before we purchase anything (even though I'm not saying he has to ask, I'm saying I just would like to know before he spends $3000 on tvs), and that if he's making more money, which I'm sure he will be because I'm so much younger and we'll be at different points in our careers, that he should be able to spend more money. Basically if we go with his plan he would have more money in his seperate account b/c (just as an example) 45% of 80000 is bigger than 45% of 30000 and that's the fair thing to do. Not that I don't think it's fair, but what the hell why am I being penalized for being at a different point in my life? If he goes out and spends $400 on something frivalis (which is ok to do every once in awhile) why is it that I can't just because I make less? So basically, I'd like some input about what people think. I want to know what real married couples are doing and what is working for them. You can obviously be anonymous, I understand that money isn't something everyone wants to talk about. But yea I just thought if I knew what people other than my parents did, it might give my boyfriend and I a little thought for the future.

Posted by Manda at 06:57 PM | Comments (1)

The Book of Ex Questions

Ok, so you’re in your local grocery store picking up your weekly list. Just as you turn the corner to head down the bread aisle you spot a familiar face. Way down at the other end of that aisle is your ex.

You stop, maybe you panic, and you immediately start to debate whether you’re going to go say hi or just pretend you never saw them. So after the little fight in your head between the devil and the angel, you decide that you’ll leisurely make your way down the aisle and if they notice you you’ll notice them too. One step, two steps, three steps, “Hi!” You say hello, you smile, you be calm and collective, and you pull out from the dark corner in your mind the “Book of Ex Questions”. Your book should contain simple, easy, to the point questions that should be interchangeable with all exes. None of this “Why didn’t you ever call me?” or “So when are you bringing back my stuff?” crap either. This is not an episode of Smackdown in the middle of the bread aisle. So if you don’t have a book of questions already, which I know you do but you probably don’t realize it, I’m going to give you a few of mine. And please keep in mind that a) how are you is a given and b) these are not in any particular order.

Question #1: So what’s new? – It’s easy, it isn’t prying too much, and it isn’t going to be this long drawn out answer. Usually people just say one or two things, or even that nothing’s really new. Oh yea, and always try to ask first, especially if you’re like me and you’re one of those people who doesn’t necessarily care but wants to ask just to know that you’re life is going better than theirs. So I’m kind of a bitch, get over it!

Question #2: So how is (place g/f or b/f’s name here)? – If you don’t know who they’re with now, or if they’re with anyone at all, this question can also be “So are you seeing anyone these days?” or, since that can sometimes sounded a little flirty, you can pull the sly trick of “So (friend’s name here) told me you were seeing someone new.” I know, it’s sneaky, but hey it works! O yeah, and if you know they’re still seeing a particular person, don’t waste one of your questions on “So are you still seeing (name)”.

Question #3: How’s your family? – Especially if you were together awhile, this is really just out of courtesy.

Question #4: The “Hey, remember when…” moment – Ok so this isn’t really a question, but it’s a good one, as long as you follow the rules. I would say only use this one every other time you see each other, but not if you see each other every few days/weeks/months. If you use it too often you’ll seem like you’re stuck in the past and I can guarantee they’ll go back to their friends and be like “Oh my God she/he so wants me back.” And don’t make one up, no matter what. There really isn’t any need to do the “Hey remember when…” moment, so there’s no point raking through your mind to find one. Also, if he/she does one, do not give one too. I repeat, DO NOT GIVE ONE TOO! You’ll sound stupid!

Now how many questions you ask really depends on how long you were together and how long it’s been since you last spoke. Whether you were together 2 months or 2 years, if you’ve only been apart a few weeks, two or three questions is really more than enough. I mean it hasn’t been that long since you last spoke. If you were together a few months, maybe a year or two, and you haven’t seen each other in let’s say over a year, I would say five to seven questions is pretty good. Now if you were basically married but never signed the papers, and it’s been more than two years, honestly you might want to sit down and have coffee or something. There is no designated number of questions in a situation like that. Unless you guys ended on really horrible terms, you should realistically still have a special bond. Keep in mind that all these questions are just suggestions and that my ideas may not work for your particular situation. Every breakup and couple is different. Just remember that if you run, you may look stupid, and if you talk for an hour, you may look stupid. Anything in between there is pretty safe though.

Posted by Manda at 07:46 AM | Comments (0)

Encountering One Night Romps

So I spent the summer back in NH, and my last week there I tried to fit in all the things I really wanted to do that I can't do in Orlando. Well one night, I decided to get my favorite thing at one of my favorite restaurants, and when I went to pick it up, a funny thing happened. The minute I walked in I got some interesting attention.

Now usually, me being as insecure as I am (haha) I would think something was on me or my lip gloss was smeared or something silly like that, but this time I knew what it was all about. You see, about 2 years ago I had a um one night rendevous (haha) with one of the employees and when I walked in he knew it was me and so did a few of the other employees around him. By the look on his face I knew he knew it was me (no matter how much I've changed) and I of course knew it was him, but yet neither of us made the effort to say hi. So this brings me to my point: Why is it so hard to say hi? I mean you've met before, you've seen eachother naked, and well lets be honest you have done naughty naughty things to one another's bodies, yet somehow for whatever reason neither of you speak a word. And I'm not just blaming him, I'm a part of this too. I'm as much to blame as him. I wanted to say hi of course, but I didn't want to say hi and then find that he didn't want to say hi. In other words, I didn't want to look stupid! Who does ya know?! But in the end, when you think about it, we both kind of looked stupid. We're two mature adults and by not saying hi we acted like children. So here's the deal: say hi! Unless you ended on bad terms, you'll look much more stupid if you don't say anything. And who knows, maybe you'll kindle a new romance out of it. Just keep in mind that it was only one night and you don't need to carry on an hour long discussion about nothingness. Small talk really is enough. Seriously, it's enough!

Posted by Manda at 08:05 AM | Comments (1)

Screwing Ex-Etiquette

So in case you don’t know, I am a member of the very popular MySpace world. If you’re a MySpace virgin or have never heard of it at all, let me give you a quick run down of how it works. Basically, you can network with people, message your friends, keep a personal blog, and even make new friends.

Well about a week ago, an ex-boyfriend of mine, who I was once best friends with, requested my friendship for his MySpace account. After getting over the inevitable shock, since we have not spoken or seen one another in over a year, and after contemplating the decision of accepting or denying his friendship for at least five minutes, I decided to let it simmer for awhile before I actually accepted, if I accepted that is. I mean come on, why should I want to be his friend? We didn’t end on good terms, he hasn’t made any point to contact me since we last spoke, and well did I mention we didn’t end on good terms (and when I say bad terms, I mean BAD BAD BAD terms, but that’s a whole other blog haha). So any who, today I checked my MySpace and realized that his “friend request” was no longer there, meaning he took it off himself. Of course he took it off though, I mean it’s been a week and I hadn’t respond. But ya know what, I’m not afraid to admit that I’m still a little upset over why we parted ways in the first place. I think it’s ok to still be bitter about exes years later, especially if you were really close. And if year(s) later, he comes out of nowhere and wants to be your friend, you don’t have to do it! Stand your ground, don’t be his friend just because you feel you should. I mean make sure your little bit of bitterness isn’t taking over your life and ruining any future relationships you have, but don’t feel stupid or childish just because you still can’t stand him for what he did to you ten years ago. Honestly though, why do we always have to be the bigger person? Why can’t for one small second out of our lives we just act the way we want to act instead of how we know we should? Well I say do what you want! Act how you want! Say what you want! Screw the norms of ex-etiquette and do what’s really on your mind. I bet my life you’ll feel better. Hell, I know I do.

Posted by Manda at 11:47 AM | Comments (4)

Lessons Of Love

When I was younger I couldn’t imagine spending one day away from the boy I was dating, and it amazes me that now I spend forty five.

Forty-five, sounds painful doesn’t it? It can be. It can be rough and tiresome. It can be sad and lonely. Sometimes I honestly don’t know how I make it through. But I do, because that is the sacrifice we as a couple have chosen to make. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices and adapt to new things to make our relationships work. I think the trick is to remember that it won’t always be like this. I remind myself every day, especially when I wake up and I can’t bare the thought that he’s not here, that it’s only three more years. I know, I know, at first you think “three more years, oh my God that’s forever”, but in the grand scheme of things, four years is so short compared to the fifty or more that we might end up spending together when I get back. You see the thing I think I’ve learned from the relationship I have now, is that relationships aren’t all about the fancy dinners you go on, the trips you take, or the fact that you have a guaranteed date for every major event and holiday. No, relationships are about the things that you do for one another and the compromises you make. A lot of people go in to relationships thinking, “well if he or she really loved me then I would’ve have to do this”, or “I wouldn’t have to give this up”. But honestly, how important is it really? Are they making you give up an antique vase your grandmother gave you before she died or the NFL logo comforter you’ve had on your bed since college? I mean come on, if they really love you that much, they would never make you give up anything truly important to you and vice versa. You know that. So the next time you and your partner are arguing over something like the color you’re going to paint your bedroom, remember that in compromise you may not get your way exactly, but the little sacrifices you make screams love at the top of your lungs.

Posted by Manda at 05:35 PM | Comments (3)

Merging...

One of the biggest steps in a couple’s relationship, you know the ones that really scream “I’m off the market”, is moving in together. Now with what I’ve seen, there are two ways people go in to this. The first is to think “Oh my God we are so perfect together, this is going to be so easy,” and the second is to think “Why don’t I just throw this down the toilet now.”

Recently I had my first living together situation when, for 3 months, I moved back home and in with my boyfriend. At first I have to admit I was a little nervous. I wasn’t thinking about the toilet or anything, but being an only child and having never, ever had a roommate, I couldn’t help but picture how my slight perfectionist princess attitude could slowly ruin our relationship. I of course made all the usual mistakes: taking control of the grocery list, not picking up after myself, spreading my stuff all over every spot of the bathroom counter. All in all though, I made it through, and hey I learned some stuff too. Which is why I’m writing this. I’d like to pass some of what I learned on to all you new roomies so that maybe you’ll feel a little more at ease than I did about making the big merge.

1. Don’t over spread yourself— Just because you live there, doesn’t mean you can throw your stuff everywhere. If you’re the one moving in, keep in mind that there was a lot of stuff there before you, and if it’s that important to your partner, you’ll respect that it stays there. If you’re the one who already lived there, clear out a little space for your new roommate in the closet and in the bathroom. And for the big stuff, like when you end up having two couches, talk about it. Maybe you can keep both and they can just go in separate rooms, but in no way are you allowed to stomp your feet and scream “I was here first!” or “But this cost me a lot of money!” When it comes to merging one’s things together, communication is always key.

2. Pick up after yourself— The one thing that my parents warned my boyfriend about before I moved in was how I leave my stuff everywhere. At first I didn’t even realize I was doing it, but when he finally got aggravated and told me to “move my stuff now,” I knew I should pick up a tad. So I had to teach myself. Clothes do not belong in the living room, my makeup doesn’t belong in the bedroom, and I cannot just come in and create my own shoe spot. If you’re the clutter bug, you have got to slowly but surely learn to control it. Even if your partner is also fond of leaving things everywhere, they’re a clutter bug about their stuff, not yours. And if you’re moving in with a somewhat untidy person, don’t just start picking up their stuff and moving it, talk to them about it. Usually they’ll be ok with it and kindly move their things.

3. Do Not Try To Change One Another—This one is huge! Honestly I can’t even stress how important this is. If there is one thing that drives my boyfriend crazy, it’s when I try to change things he’s already set in his ways about. Like trying to change his diet, bad idea. Wicked fun arguments by the way! See by the time people get in to their 20’s, they’re pretty set in their ways. Trying to change them will only cause unnecessary conflict. Small stuff is ok. If you don’t like the laundry detergent they buy, suggest a new one, but if you don’t like that they eat meat, back off! You’re walking to close to the electric fence, and trust me you don’t want to get zapped.

Look, moving in together is exactly how you make it. It doesn’t have to be terrible and it doesn’t have to completely throw out your relationship. Just ease in to it and be adaptive. Communicate with one another and work with each other to get through your problems and differences. Oh yea, and don’t forget, have fun!

Posted by Manda at 12:06 PM | Comments (0)

The "Wow Factor"!!!

So I was watching one of my favorite reality dating shows last night and one of the women made a comment that although she really felt something on the first date, the second date left her feeling nothing. So I began to think about how long it really takes to feel what I call the “wow factor”.

The “wow factor” is that thing you feel in the beginning in between no spark and “this could actually be the one”. So from my past experiences, I’ve come to the conclusion that the “wow factor” should occur in five dates or less. If after five solid dates you still aren’t really feeling it and are still unsure, my advice would be to move on. There are too many fish in the sea, and life is too short. Wicked cliché, but true. When I started dating my current boyfriend, the “wow factor” came about after two solid dates and many many phone conversations. But phone conversations don’t really count, so don’t panic if you’ve talked on the phone six times and still don’t feel it. It’s ok. Anyways, it was sitting across from him at dinner one night, watching this California born and raised boy try to crack lobsters that I felt absolute wow! I did not want the date to end. He was so funny and so cute that I could’ve cracked lobsters all night just to watch him. Now please keep in mind that just because you feel the “wow factor” before the fifth date, doesn’t mean that the “wow factor” will stick around. I mean I did say it was the point before “this could actually be the one”. It should just be used as a reference point to tell you if you should continue seeing this person or move on to someone new. On the other hand though, if you don’t feel it by the third date, don’t jump ship. Relax, sit back, and enjoy the next two dates. So the next time you meet someone new, I hope you’ll keep what I’ve said in mind, because in life you never know. That sixth date with the one you know deep down is not “the one” is time you’re not spending on a first date with the one that definitely is!

Posted by Manda at 02:01 PM | Comments (0)

About this Blog

So let's face it, relationships are complicated. Whether you're in a committed relationship, dating around, or just bed bouncing with a few friends, or strangers if that's your thing, at one time or another we all run in to problems and questions that we can't answer. So when this happens, who do you turn to? Do you read up about it online or in books? Do you move around from friend to friend asking their opinion? Or do you just ignore it and pray it goes away? Well that's what I'm here for.

My name is Manda, and I'll be your resident go to relationship girl. In this blog I'll be sharing with you some of my own stories, some things I ponder, and all the great tips and advice you can imagine, all pertaining to relationships, love, and sex. And hey, any questions you have or topics you want me to address just drop me e-mail at a_a_hamilton@hotmail.com and I'll be thrilled to help you out.

Posted by Manda at 09:22 PM | Comments (4)