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Sex Is Something...

You know I love all these people who when they talk about relationships say “well sex isn’t everything”. It’s not that I don’t agree with them, it’s that I don’t think they realize that while sex may not be everything, it is something.

Last night a friend of mine came to me with a problem that her and her boyfriend are having. She just recently moved in to his apartment and while living together has been a breeze, the increased chance for sex that comes with living together has been causing some big problems. Apparently his sex drive is quite larger than hers and although she loves him and is very attracted to him, she just cannot get herself excited or in to sex. Of course the first thing I asked her was if this was a new problem or something she had experienced before. She told me she had felt this way before and that she just doesn’t like sex. I’m sure that this is a problem for a lot of couples, and that a lot of people don’t know what to do about it. Instead of finding a way to solve the problem, most just continue to have sex to satisfy their partner’s needs. This is absolutely the wrong thing to do. For one thing, your partner will eventually sense your unhappiness, which will make them unhappy, which will cause huge problems much bigger than just not having compatible sex drives. And for a second thing, in most cases you need to look at this problem in a long-term sense. How will you feel, physically and mentally, in thirty years if you continue to have sex just to satisfy your partner? Could you live like that? Could you deal with that unhappiness? If you and your partner are having this problem the first thing to do is to sit down and have a serious talk. No distractions. And when I say talk, I don’t mean fight. This should be a non-aggressive conversation where you both get to speak your sides without interruption from the other partner. And make sure that you’re completely honest. If you hide anything, whether you fear it will end your relationship or you’re embarrassed, it will only cause more problems. In this talk you should talk about why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling and repeat back to your partner their feelings. It is important that you both understand not only your own side but also each other’s because until you full understand your partner and yourself, nothing will be solved. Now don’t expect to have one conversation and the problem to be over. That’s not the way things happen. You’re going to have to work at it. It may take many conversations over a long period of time, but until you’ve tried everything, there is no reason to throw in the towel on your relationship (unless of course this isn’t your only problem as a couple). The next step in solving this problem is to openly discuss ways to help the problem. Maybe there is a reason you don’t feel sexually comfortable with your partner. Maybe you’re too stressed but can’t figure out how to fully relax. Maybe you need to bring things in to your relationship to spice it up. The possibilities are endless, but it is important to try many different things. If when all is said and done, if you still can’t come to a compromise or find a solution, then maybe it’s time to a) move on with your lives, separately or b) see a specialist. Going to a counselor can do a world of good for any couple with any subject. It isn’t embarrassing and there is nothing wrong with it, so don’t be afraid to dial a number if you really need help.
I understand that sex isn’t everything in a relationship, but you must understand that it is a part of a relationship. We are human beings and while we may have different levels of sexual desire, we all have it and eventually it needs to be fulfilled. While it obviously is nice when two people have relatively the same sex drive, it doesn’t happen often so you shouldn’t feel alone in this problem. Always remember that there is help and that communication is the key. If you’re honest, they’ll be honest, and most of the time a compromise can be found. If a compromise/solution can’t be found, you obviously need to examine your relationship as a whole and decide from there what you want to do. Sometimes things like this stem from a whole other problem in a couple’s relationship, and well that, that’s another blog.

Posted by Manda at 02:46 PM | Comments (0)

Meeting The Family... (Thanksgiving Edition)

Well it’s finally Thanksgiving (almost) and you know what that means? It’s probably time to introduce you’re special someone to your family. If they have already met your family, that’s awesome and I hope it went well, but if they haven’t this is the 1st of 2 (possibly 3 if you count New Year’s Eve) holiday chances to introduce everyone in one sweep. While this can be very stressful, it shouldn’t kill you, and it should honestly be kind of a relief, unless it doesn’t go well of course. But to help it go along smoothly here are a few tips for you and a few tips for your partner.

If It’s Your Family:
1. Prep your partner- If there is anything important that your partner should know about your family, ie things to mention and not to mention, bring them up a day or so ahead of time. It could be very embarrassing for the both of you if your Uncle Fred is an intense animal rights activist and your partner decides to talk to him about the hunting trip he took last fall.
2. Don’t leave your partner alone too soon- Remember that your partner doesn’t really know these people so they may not be really comfortable with you leaving them alone right away. If you have to leave them at any time just ask them if it’s ok and if it’s not figure out a way to work around it. Most of the time they’ll be ok though.
3. Tell your family about your partner- Don’t show up with your partner out of nowhere. Make sure whoever is hosting knows that he/she will be there and of any specifics they should know, such as allergies or special requests.

If You’re Meeting His/Her Family:
1. Make the effort- It’s really important to make an effort to get to know these people, especially if you and your partner are really serious. I mean these people could be family someday. Also it looks really bad if you’re standing in the corner not socializing or talking to anyone.
2. Bring a gift or dish- As with any dinner party you go to it’s always a good idea to bring a small something for the host/hostess. Possible ideas for Thanksgiving are a dessert (store bought is great, but if you can bake, homemade is amazing) that people will love and you know (please check with your partner in advance) won’t be there, a plant, or a bottle of sparkling wine, champagne, or apple cider.
3. Schmooze- Schmooze your ass off. Seriously! It sounds corny to kiss butt, and I don’t want you to act unlike yourself, but it’s really important to schmooze the host/hostess and his/her parents. Again, they could be family someday.
4. Be yourself- It’s always important to be yourself around your partner’s family. If you’re nervous, you might want to have a ½ a glass of wine or something when you first get there to loosen up. But don’t, under any circumstances, get hammered. You’ll only embarrass yourself, your partner, and their family, and there is no way you’ll make a good impression. Just be calm and relax. If you’re yourself, I’m sure they’ll love you.

I really hope all the tips and tricks will help make your first meeting run smoothly. And I hope everyone has a great and safe Thanksgiving. Happy Turkey Day!!!

Posted by Manda at 06:32 PM | Comments (0)

Age Shouldn't Matter...

Let’s say that one day in the grocery store or at work or something you meet someone new. Not someone new to date, just a new friend. Eventually after weeks of spending lunches together and calling each other anytime something good or bad happens, you decide to invite them and their partner over for dinner at you and your partners’ place. Now you don’t know anything about your new friend’s partner but assume they must be great because well your new friend is great.

So the night arrives and the doorbell rings. You open the door and to your surprise your friend’s partner looks a little younger than you expected. Actually, they look a lot younger. So what do you do? What do you think? And most important, what do you say?
Most people would be courteous and say nothing at the moment, but eventually, in private, would bring the conversation up. That’s ok, honestly we don’t mind when you do that, it’s the way you do it that we mind about. For the most part I’ve never had to deal with anyone being obnoxious about it, but I know that there are people out there who have to deal with it everyday from friends, even family. I just want it to stop that’s all. There is really no need for it unless there is something really wrong with the match, something illegal going on, or you know (like actual proof) this other person is not the one for your friend.
And please tell me what the hell the big deal about a big age difference is anyways? I understand that to a certain point it can be gross, but I’m not talking about some sixty five year old and their twenty year old partner. I’m just talking about a reasonable difference, say no more than twenty years. When I think of people’s reaction toward a big age difference, it’s like it’s a disease. People freak out, and occasionally people will start to avoid you. What people need to understand is that it’s not that their ages are different, its that their personalities are different. And it might be that their personalities are different because their ages are different, but that isn’t everything, I can promise you. My boyfriend and I have an age difference (that some people may frown upon haha) and my personality fits better with him than it does with people my own age. At first I have to admit, I was taken aback about dating someone so much older, but you know what I realized? I realized that while our ages may not have matched, our personalities and ideals definitely did. Always remember that you don’t date someone because their age matches, you just usually happen to date people where their age matches since you’re mostly around them. So what friends and family need to do is get past the age difference, even just a little, and look at just the person. If you still don’t like them, or you think that their personalities just don’t fit, that’s ok. And if you think it’s because of the age difference, don’t ever mention that to your friend. It’s rude and we don’t want to hear it. We just want you to give them a shot, that’s all. You can’t be forced to like anyone, but you can try to see the good in people. And looking back to the situation I opened with, the appropriate thing would be to pick your chin up off the ground and go on with the night like nothing’s bothering you (if it is bothering you I mean). Maybe sometime when you two are alone in the kitchen or something later that night or even the next day at work you can bring it up, but please please please don’t be rude. They weren’t rude about your partner, so don’t be rude about theirs.

Posted by Manda at 12:42 PM | Comments (1)

The Christmas Card

With Thanksgiving approaching us it’s time that everyone start thinking about one of the first couple traditions of the holiday season: the Christmas card. Last year was my first time doing a Christmas card and well I did it all wrong. The only thing my boyfriend and I did right with our cards was addressing them correctly.

Although the picture was great and the letter paper was pretty, the letter itself was a complete disaster that I’m desperately trying to avoid this year. So since I hate to see people embarrass themselves in front of their partner’s loved ones (especially if you’ve never met them like me), I thought I’d shell out some tips I’ve learned since last year.

1. Length Is Everything—You know how people say that timing is everything, well when it comes to your Christmas letter length is everything. Last year our letter was no lie two pages. I mean can you believe I thought people would actually sit down and read two pages about other people, who aren’t famous, didn’t have a baby, didn’t get married, and did not make a major life changing purchase’s, lives? I really recommend keeping it under a page unless you’ve had something major happen to the two of you, or one of you, that year. Also, think of it as an interview or audition. What you say in the first few sentences will either keep people reading or make people skim and put it down. Anything important belongs at the top.

2. Write Like You Talk—I am a journalism major and last year our letter, written out by me, sounded exactly like that. I’m 19 and I started our letter with “This year I find myself feeling more blessed than ever.” What the hell is that? You’re not writing to the president or Queen Mother, so you shouldn’t be talking like it. Keep your words simple, easy to read, and just as you would say it if you were having a conversation with someone. It’ll make it easier on you and your readers.

3. You Should Both Contribute—With as busy as people are these days, it’s hard for a couple to sit down together for longer than five minutes, never mind be expected to write a letter, but it really is important for you both to contribute. It’s your letter together, not one of yours alone. So the first thing you should do if you can’t write it together is designate someone to write it. Whoever has the most time, feels the most comfortable, whatever, just pick someone. Then, and you don’t have to do this part together, you should each make a list of a few things you want (individual things) to be put in the letter about you. Finally, before writing the letter, when you’re watching TV or in bed or something make a list of a few things that happened to you both together. Things about the two of you together should out way by two or three the number of things you individually put in. Also, if you have kids, ask them if there is something they’d like to put in. It’s a nice way to include them and people will love it.

Deciding to do a Christmas card/letter whether it seems like it or not is a big step in a relationship. It’s not for everyone and you shouldn’t do it unless you feel ready. You also shouldn’t do it unless you want to. Just because you’re a couple, even married, doesn’t mean you need a Christmas card/letter. A good way to decide if you are ready for this step is that if you aren’t committed enough to say I love you and mean it, you aren’t committed enough to send a Christmas card/letter. Think about it, you’re basically telling everyone who means anything to you that you are off the market and introducing them to why that is. All in all, a Christmas card/letter is a fun thing and a great way to share with people how you are and what you’re up to. I hope all your pictures are beautiful and that your letters are loved. Good luck!

Posted by Manda at 09:21 PM | Comments (0)

Waiting For A Call...

It’s Saturday night, you’re at a bar, and you meet a great someone new. You talk, you laugh, you drink, and before you know it it’s 2 am and time to leave. So what’s the obvious step to end the evening? Switching digits of course! But what happens if on Monday they still haven’t called? And on Tuesday they still haven’t called? And on Wednesday, well you get the point.

Whenever this has happened to me or someone I know, I know the first thing we do is wonder why. I mean we’re cute, we’re fun, we’re great people, yet our phone is unbearably silent. Well instead of running through our insecurities for a week I think we should get over our denial and realize the truth. They just weren’t that in to us. And ya know you talked to the person for like 3 hours so why is that so hard to deal with. You don’t really know them and they don’t really know you. Most of the time it was such a short conversation there’s no reason to take it personally. This saying works even better when someone you’re actually dating isn’t calling. I recently heard this story from someone and was shocked that this person was still waiting around for their partner to call. What the hell are you waiting for, it’s been 2 weeks?! Here’s something to remember people: 1 day- still a couple, 2 days- still a couple, 5 days- eyes wandering not so bad, 10 days- new phone numbers not so bad, 15 days or more- officially not a couple anymore! I finally picked up my copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You” and there is a chapter in there about when he’s not calling. It simply says there is no excuse to not call you. And if you think about it, you’ll realize that. And not just realize it enough to say it, but it will really really click with you. Think about it on the other foot. You like this person a lot right? Calling them is the bright spot in your bad day right? So there is nothing that would keep you from spending even just 5 minutes on the phone with them right? So why should it be any different for them? There is no excuse to not call someone you really like and care about. So seriously people, don’t freak out if after a week that person you met at the bar still hasn’t called. Realize they weren’t that in to you, that that’s truly ok, and move on. And if you’re in a relationship where there are long spurts between you’re calls, I would really consider moving on from that too. You’re better than that and you shouldn’t have to put up with that. Just move on!

Posted by Manda at 09:09 PM | Comments (0)

Parents Listen Up...

PARENTS PLEASE READ THIS! I don’t know how many more ways to say it. I know that I’m not the usual parent talk writer, and I would never want to invade the space of the ‘Mommy Dearest’ writer, but I have a secret having to do with your children that I think you should know.

I know that you have better things to do than watch MTV on a Monday night, but I also know that you want more than life itself to understand your teenagers and for your teenagers to talk to you. So if you’re at your wits end and you just don’t know what to do anymore, if your teenager just won’t talk to you and it scares you because you feel you really don’t know what’s going on in their minds, then here’s a secret you should take to heart. It may seem stupid, but remember it wasn’t that long ago that I was in high school and things haven’t changed that much. Watch Laguna Beach. It’s that simple. I don’t care if you think they’re just some spoiled rich kids or if you think MTV is ridiculous or ‘the devil’, the kids on Laguna Beach are no different than the kids living in your house. I grew up in a town much different than Laguna Beach California and I attended a school much smaller, but I can honestly say that my high school years weren’t much different. Take the situation going on between Jessica and Jason. Jessica and Jason dated for quite sometime and when they finally did break up, he was a jerk and she was heart broken. He treated her like crap and yet couldn’t stay away from her. And to make matters worse, she couldn’t stay away from him either. With that came heartbreak for two more, ruined friendships, and nasty words were spouted. I know you’re reading this going well I had that problem in high school too, but if you’re a parent, in fact if you’re over the age of 25, you didn’t go threw it like this. High school is so much different nowadays, all grades are. There’s more pressure than ever to have sex and do drugs and because of that friendships are less tight than ever, especially between girls. Backstabbing is a constant thing. Going back to the example of Jason and Jessica, although Jessica and L.C., Jason’s new girlfriend, were not best friends (they were solid aquantinces) Jessica still felt it ok to flirt with, dance on the lap of, and even make out with Jason, in front of L.C. That’s happening to your daughters and even your sons. I know because not only did it happen to me, but, and I don’t like to admit it, I’ve done what Jessica did. This is just one example of what is going on with your kids. I know you want them to talk to you, and to be honest if they thought about it more clearly, they’d want to talk to you too. You have to realize though that things are very very very different for kids now and that you saying to them “talk to me, I know what you’re going through because I was a teenager once too” is not going to work. They’re going to brush it off because they know that whether you were a teenager or not once you don’t understand what they’re going through 90% of the time. I was always really open with my parents but my friends weren’t for 2 solid reasons: 1) they thought their parents wouldn’t understand and 2) they thought they’d get in trouble. So here’s the deal, you’re not going to understand everything your teenager is going through just because you watched an episode, or even a season, of Laguna Beach, and not everything that happens on Laguna Beach happens in every teenager’s life, but I urge you to watch it sometime. You’ll learn a lot and maybe if your kids see you watching it, making the effort to get in to their world, they’ll open up more. Hey, it’s worth a try isn’t it?

Laguna Beach airs Mondays on MTV @ 10pm. Check your local TV Guide for repeat showings.

Posted by Manda at 08:29 PM | Comments (3)

Cuddle With Me Honey...

Now let’s be honest, this is a statement that frustrates both sexes. I mean for the most part men want to hear it less and women want to hear it more. Today on Oprah there was a panel of men (including Jay Leno and Brian McKnight) talking about all the things women want to know about men, and the part that I happened to catch was about cuddling.

In listening to the men and Oprah and the woman asking the question talk about the subject it occurred to me that not a lot of women seem to get why men don’t want to cuddle. To be honest, I don’t think I really got it either. None of my boyfriends ever really wanted to cuddle and instead of asking them why they didn’t want to, I just accepted and moved on. Women seem to immediately think that he’s just not interested in her, that he doesn’t like being nuzzled body to body, or that he’s just a plain jerk. Ladies, as I learned today, that just isn’t true. The truth of the matter is that while to women cuddling is a showing of affection, and a great way to keep warm in the winter, to men it’s the male brain telling the rest of the male body “gentlemen start your engines”. Women never seem to think about the fact that their husbands or boyfriends are so attracted to them, physically and mentally, that anytime they touch them their body starts going. A simple hug or just laying on a man’s chest can cause some sort of arousal inside them. And just because they’re older and can control their ‘risings’ more doesn’t mean that they don’t get aroused just as easy as when they were twelve. So seriously ladies, next time your man doesn’t want to cuddle after sex don’t take it personally. Take it as a compliment. Think you look so sexy that for your man the mere thought of touching you again brings him over the top, again. And if you’re still worried about why he won’t snuggle up with you in bed or on the couch, consider asking him. Don’t be afraid, it’s just a question. Maybe he really doesn’t like it, or maybe it’s just too damn hot in the room. I mean c’mon, you are that sexy!

Posted by Manda at 08:04 PM | Comments (0)