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Duties of Fidelity

So I’m taking a class this semester about marriage and family. Last week one of the topics of discussion was moral ethics and duties of relationships, any kind of relationship (friendship, siblings, marriage, etc). One of the questions posted in our discussion section was what do you consider morally wrong between a husband and a wife. So I took on this question for one of my postings and here is what I came up with.

One of the things that really intrigued me about this question was that while it seemed so easy and like there was an obvious answer, the truth is this question is extremely complicated and really doesn’t have a standard answer.

You couldn’t talk about what is morally wrong between a husband and a wife without discussing duties of fidelity. According to my book, “duties of fidelity are obligations we incur because of a previous voluntary act of our own, such as making a promise” (6). This could be any obligation but the one that usual comes to mind when thinking of fidelity is obviously faithfulness.

My standpoint is that what is morally wrong or right between a husband and a wife should be decided between the husband and the wife. No one else should be allowed to come in and tell them what they should or should not be doing. I think when we think about fidelity in a marriage we only think about what seems to be the norm of society, that women and men in a marriage will only have an emotional and physical relationship with one another. The problem with that thinking though is that, no matter how much you don’t want to hear/believe it, not everyone has a marriage like that. There are couples out there who allow one another to have relationships, whether it be emotional or physical or both, with people outside their marriage. If you never agree in your marriage vows to stay faithful, or even if you do and you later, as a couple, revise the term faithful to fit your lifestyle, then having a sexual relationship with a person outside of your marriage is not morally wrong. Others in society may find it wrong, but under the definition of duties of fidelity it would not be.

Now please don’t misunderstand me and think that I don’t believe in monogamous relationships. That’s not the case. I believe in staying faithful to your partner no matter what. But in the end, I’m also open to the idea that being unfaithful is not always morally wrong. And remember, morals are not metal cookie cutters. They can be bent and changed and not everyone has the same one.

Houlgate, Laurence D. Morals, Marriage, And Parenthood: An Introduction to Family Ethics.

Posted by Manda at 04:44 PM | Comments (0)

Not What You Expected...

I think that sometimes things happen in a relationship that although you knew it could happen and thought you knew how you’d deal with it, when it actually happens you feel shocked, angry or upset, and/or unsure of how you’re feeling inside.

A perfect example is when another person makes a move on your boyfriend or girlfriend. I always say that I know how I’d react if some girl made a move on my boyfriend, but the truth is I have no clue how I’d react. I like to believe that I would be calm and that I would be OK with him going out again, especially if the same people would be out with him, but I guess I really can’t say that. So after thinking about all the ways a person shouldn’t react if they are caught in a situation in a relationship where they just don’t know how to deal, I thought up what I think are the three most important things to do to keep conflict out of the conversation.

1. You have to see both sides – You have to understand that this situation isn’t just about how you’re feeling, no matter which side of the conversation you’re on. If you’re the person who did something/had something happened to you, you need to remember that your partner is probably feeling upset right now and probably a little irrational. Make sure you ask them how exactly they’re feeling and let them talk until they’re blue in the face. They’re going to have a lot of thoughts to organize in their mind so it’ll probably take them a while to say everything they want to say. If you’re on the other side, meaning your partner did something/had something happen to them, you need to take a minute to think about the whole situation. Think about who is at fault with what happened to your partner and if your partner did anything to urk it on. I mean if some drunk person tries to kiss your partner, chances are they didn’t do anything to lead them on and therefore you need to realize that it isn’t your partner’s fault and that you can’t treat them like it is. No matter what side you’re on, it’s important to put yourself in their shoes. Think about what they’re going through and how they feel.

2. You have to stay calm – When people scream and yell they get nothing accomplished, no matter what they say to one another. You need to talk to each other, not yell at each other. And I understand this can be hard. I’ve been the person cheated on and I know all I wanted to do was yell and scream and cry and hit, but you know where that got me? No where but more upset. So before you say anything to each other, it’s important you both take about two or three minutes, more if you need it, and think about what has been said and how you feel about it. I like to write down my thoughts, especially since sometimes when you’re upset your mind runs faster than your mouth.

3. You gotta let sh*t happen – Now this of course doesn’t apply to intentional, or even non-intentional I guess, affairs, this only accounts for the small stuff. Sometimes people have a tendency to not realize that they’re not doing certain things so that they can avoid the possibility of anything bad happening. Like they might not go out or urge their partner to go out so they won’t meet someone new who they may like better. But you just can’t do that. You gotta let sh*t happen. If you don’t let it happen you won’t know how to deal with it when it does, since eventually everything does come up. And, as I said before, you may think you know how you’d react/deal with, but chances are you have no clue. It’s like with children. You have to let them run around even though they may fall and skin their knee. If you don’t let them do it, they’ll never learn what to do when they do fall and skin their knee. Now I’m not saying to throw yourself or your boyfriend or girlfriend to the shark invested waters of a bar or nightclub or anything, I’m just saying that you cannot prevent them or yourself from doing anything by keeping them or yourself away from harm’s way. I’m a person who believes that no matter what you do to stop, it will happen. Maybe it won’t happen at the moment it was supposed to, but it will happen eventually. So relax in your relationship and trust your partner.

Posted by Manda at 11:49 AM | Comments (0)