Yes, finding “the one” is no more controllable than adding hours to the day, no matter how much we believe it is. I think I’ve spent my whole life looking for “the one.” I swear I was looking in the sandbox. I’ve always known what I was looking for and, like with everything else in my life, I’ve always been impatient when it comes to finding it.
When I was about thirteen I made an on-paper list of all the things I wanted in “the one.” I had seen someone do it on TV and saw it as a good idea. I would put it under my pillow at night and dream of finding that special someone. (And I know what you’re thinking – she’s insane! But c’mon I was thirteen and we all do ridiculous things when we’re young. So give me a break please!)

Well guess what – he never came! Shocking, I know! But why would he have come? I mean A. I was only thirteen and B. Even if I hadn’t only been thirteen, I was trying way way way too hard. And that’s my point – if you’re having trouble finding “the one,” you’re probably trying/looking to hard. If you ask most people how they met, they won’t tell you, “Oh well I went looking for “the one” and found him/her immediately;” they’ll usually tell you a story about running in to them at a party, the gym, at work or even as random as an airplane. And even more, they almost always say, “I didn’t expect to meet him/her” or “I wasn’t even looking to date anyone at the time.” I mean I met my “the one” when I had pretty much decided I was going to live the single life at least till mid-college. Guys seemed like too much of a hassle at the time, and I had too many other things I needed to focus on.

People put too much energy in to finding the one, but in my opinion, all that energy just leads to dead ends. My number one piece of advice in finding a partner is to stop looking! It’s just like shopping for clothes. When you’re shopping for something specific you never find it, but when you’re shopping for nothing at all you find everything. Dating is kind of like that. If you’re looking too hard you’re probably overlooking, but if you’re not looking at all your mind is open and you aren’t blinded by the specifics that you’re usually looking for. It may even open your mind to some things you thought you didn’t want or didn’t realize you want. My number two piece of advice is to relax. People can sense when you’re tense, overeager, nervous, fearful, whatever. If you’re not relaxing you’re going to stress yourself out, get frustrated and that will rub off on to anyone you try to meet. So take some time, step back and forget about “the one.” Just relax and let things happen. And my number three piece of advice, if you’re like me and still carrying around one of these things, is to throw out this list! Don’t lie; you know you still have it! Well get rid of it! It’s useless. It’s good to know what you’re looking for, but it’s bad to be narrow-minded about what you’re looking for and to obsess over it, which is exactly what you’re doing my keeping that list.

Finding “the one” isn’t about going out and fine-tooth combing the world. Finding “the one” is about connecting with people until you find a fit. Yes it’s important to go out and people a lot of people, but don’t stress when you’re doing it. And I’m not putting down online dating. I like online dating, as long as you’re safe. I’m a believer in making things happen for yourself, but don’t spend every day all day searching online. It’s like the list; throw it out. Make a profile and wait. Online or offline, at work or on an airplane, just wait. Things will happen. I promise!

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