« January 2007 | Main

Ending It Etiquette

So I’ve talked a lot about issues before a relationship and during a relationship, but sometimes those times aren’t your problem. Sometimes the thing that’s really weighing on your mind is the breakup. It’s ok. Breakups happen. The thing is that when it does happen, it’s important to know how to go about it properly.

Contrary to popular beliefs, there is a right way and a wrong way to break up with someone. To figure it out all you have to do is take in to consideration a few facts about the relationship. But if you don’t really feel like taking the time to analyze the whole thing and figure it out yourself (which I’d appreciate because if you did do it yourself why the hell would you need this entry haha), here are a few ways to break up with some the right way:

1. Choosing The Place— Where you are when you breakup with your partner really depends on how long you were together. If you’ve only been out a few times or have only been together a few weeks, you should be able to get away with a phone call saying it just isn’t working out and you want to move on. If you’ve been dating a few months, I recommend going out for drinks. Do it somewhere mutually liked that is comfortable for the both of you. Any sort of long term relationship, whatever your definition of that may be (I’d say 1 ½ to 2 years) really calls for going to their house or a park, somewhere quiet where the both of you can really talk it out. If you plan on, and actually think it will work out, be friends after the relationship, then maybe you could go to lunch or dinner, but please remember to pay your way. You aren’t dating anymore so don’t expect to not have to chip in for the bill.

2. Choosing A Style— The style of your breakup is very important and should reflect why you are breaking up. A common reason for breaking up is that it just isn’t working out anymore. This phrase can include not clicking as a couple, bored, feeling not as much interest in the other person, feeling you’re moving in different directions in your life, feeling it isn’t the right time in your life for you to be together, ect. If this is your reason, you should make sure you talk to them in a sweet tone, show them your sad about the breakup too, and most importantly, make sure they realize it isn’t them or you, it’s the two of you together. If they don’t make you a priority (you don’t need to be number 1 though), I would say go to their house. Tell them all your feelings and explain to them that you don’t want to be in a relationship where you feel like you don’t matter. Make it crisp, clear, and to the point. If your partner was mean to you (I mean seriously mean to you), either meet in a public place or if they were a real ass, just call them up. Tell them sternly and powerfully (do not back down!) how they make you feel and that they aren’t worth your time anymore. If they had or are having an affair (you must have proof), feel free to meet them in a public place (not a restaurant!!!) and make a huge scene! Yell, scream, cry, whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better. You don’t have to make a scene obviously but I’m pretty sure I would, and I don’t care how immature that makes me look. haha And finally, if you are having the affair (naught naughty!) or are even considering having one, remember to act casual and be calm. If you want you can even use the tactics from “it’s just not working out”. You can of course tell them the truth, that you’re having an affair that is, but why pour salt on an open wound. Or if they’re really an ass, tell them right out you’re seeing someone else and that they were never good in bed anyways! haha

3. Word Things Carefully— There isn’t really too much that I can do here. I mean every breakup is different and so is every breakup speech. A few quick thoughts though. Your tone should reflect why you’re breaking up. If it’s because of something bad, be strong. If it’s because it’s not working out, be soft. Oh and never ever ever, seriously ever, use the phrase “It’s not you, it’s me”. The whole world knows that’s bull, so why wouldn’t your partner?

4. Future Contact Or Not?—It’s an important decision, ya know to see them again or not. Unfortuantely it’s not all your decision though. If they don’t want to see you again, they won’t. But if you do want to eventually be friends with them, put it on the table. Even if they don’t reply right that second, you never know if they’ll really call again or not. If they’re really upset though, I’m not sure I’d say anything to them about seeing eachother again, especially if they’re upsetness (shut up, I know its not a real word haha) is extreme anger! If they ask you if you want to see them again, be honest. Please don’t tell them yes if you never plan on calling or seeing them again. You wouldn’t want anyone to do it to you so please don’t do it to anyone else.

How you breakup with someone is really all about two things: how long you dated and how your relationship was. Although you should really keep in mind why you’re breaking up when deciding how to do it, it doesn’t need to be a deciding factor. And after the breakup is finally over, you should feel a sense of relief and calming. If you go home and cry your eyes out all night, that’s ok. Just because you’re crying doesn’t mean it’s out of sadness. If you go home and cry for weeks, maybe you should examine why you broke up in with them in the first place. Breaking up is a hard thing, we all know that. But keep in mind that missing out on what could be because you’re afraid to get out of what is, is so much harder.

Posted by Manda at 11:22 AM | Comments (0)

Rehydrating Your Relationship...

They say that most people are dehydrated on a daily basis. No one is drinking enough water, and we’re all loading up on soda. Well our bodies aren’t the only things that can get dehydrated from time to time. Sometimes our relationships can dehydrate, and when that happens you need to know what to do to rehydrate so you can get back on track with one another.

If you don’t know already, I am involved in a very long distance relationship. We see each other pretty often for the distance between us, but even with that, sometimes one of us or both of us just feel out of touch with the other. Recently I had one of those times. There was a lot going in both of our lives, and I was feeling that our relationship was dehydrated and that we just weren’t connecting anymore.

I know I’m not the only one who feels like this from time to time, so I thought I’d give some of my personal tips, along with tips I’ve heard from my favorite doctor, Dr. Bermen, of how to rehydrate your relationship.

1. Try new things together – This is a great way to reconnect with one another because it’s like having another first. I think sometimes when people have been in a relationship for a long time they get discouraged about how the rest of their life with this person will go because they notice things are always the same ole same ole . They start thinking about the routine they may be stuck in, the first they no longer have, and this, if not helped, can result in straying. But if you get together and, as a couple, decide on something new you’d like to try, wallah, a new first is created. A couple of good suggestions: a cooking class, a wine tasting class, rock climbing, an art class or gardening.

2. Love notes, the 21st century way – OK, so since my boyfriend and I can’t leave love notes in each other’s lunches or on one another’s pillows every day, we use what technology have given us – text messaging. It’s a great way to let your significant other know you’re thinking of them in the middle of the day, and it kind of makes you feel like you’re in middle school again passing secret notes across the classroom. I recommend sending nice ones and naughty ones, that way not only is your romantic life kept alive, but so is your life in the bedroom!

3. Go on a date – I know it sounds silly, especially if you’re already living together, but a date is one of the best ways to reconnect with one another. Even better, recreate a date from the beginning of your relationship, no matter how extravagant or simple it may have been. Ladies, do all the things you would do for a first date (yes that means you need to break out your razor!), and guys, go outside, knock on the door and pick her up, just like when you weren’t living together. Trust me, it makes it more special. And don’t forget her favorite flowers!

4. Dr. Bermen’s exercises – If anyone watched Sexual Healing on Showtime you’ll recognize these next two tests. The first one is a touching exercise. Basically one partner lies down somewhere comfortable, preferably a bed or couch, clothing optional, and the other partner rubs and massages the first partner. The idea is not to turn each other on, but to reconnect with one another’s body; it’s supposed to be sensual, not sexual. Here’s the kicker though – you can’t have sex afterward. You can satisfy yourself when all is done, but not one another and not in the same. It’s a good way to jump start sex drives if that’s what you’re looking for. Oh, and don’t forget to set the mood in the room first! The second test is a food test, and I’m sure a lot of people are going to think it’s odd. They say that when you take out one of your senses all of your other senses are heightened; well, this is what this one is for. One partner is blindfolded and fed by another partner. It’s also a good time to sneak aphrodisiac foods in to your relationship. It also establishes trust between one another. It’s a little odd sounding, but hey anything is worth a try to get your relationship back in gear right?

Look, these tricks are all really good, and from my experience they work, but none of them can happen if you don’t communicate first. Communication is the foundation for everything. It’s a corny but true saying. You need to tell your partner exactly how you are feeling, no matter how embarrassed or unsure you are. A good way to make sure you say everything you want to say and how you want to say it is to spend some time writing things down before you have the conversation. And one more thing, if your partner makes you feel like you can’t talk to them about this or that your feelings are stupid or ridiculous in any way, maybe you shouldn’t be trying to reconnect, maybe you should be reevaluating things instead.

Posted by Manda at 01:13 PM | Comments (0)