The Seacoast's Girl Next Door

Ending It Etiquette

So I’ve talked a lot about issues before a relationship and during a relationship, but sometimes those times aren’t your problem. Sometimes the thing that’s really weighing on your mind is the breakup. It’s ok. Breakups happen. The thing is that when it does happen, it’s important to know how to go about it properly.

]]> Contrary to popular beliefs, there is a right way and a wrong way to break up with someone. To figure it out all you have to do is take in to consideration a few facts about the relationship. But if you don’t really feel like taking the time to analyze the whole thing and figure it out yourself (which I’d appreciate because if you did do it yourself why the hell would you need this entry haha), here are a few ways to break up with some the right way:

1. Choosing The Place— Where you are when you breakup with your partner really depends on how long you were together. If you’ve only been out a few times or have only been together a few weeks, you should be able to get away with a phone call saying it just isn’t working out and you want to move on. If you’ve been dating a few months, I recommend going out for drinks. Do it somewhere mutually liked that is comfortable for the both of you. Any sort of long term relationship, whatever your definition of that may be (I’d say 1 ½ to 2 years) really calls for going to their house or a park, somewhere quiet where the both of you can really talk it out. If you plan on, and actually think it will work out, be friends after the relationship, then maybe you could go to lunch or dinner, but please remember to pay your way. You aren’t dating anymore so don’t expect to not have to chip in for the bill.

2. Choosing A Style— The style of your breakup is very important and should reflect why you are breaking up. A common reason for breaking up is that it just isn’t working out anymore. This phrase can include not clicking as a couple, bored, feeling not as much interest in the other person, feeling you’re moving in different directions in your life, feeling it isn’t the right time in your life for you to be together, ect. If this is your reason, you should make sure you talk to them in a sweet tone, show them your sad about the breakup too, and most importantly, make sure they realize it isn’t them or you, it’s the two of you together. If they don’t make you a priority (you don’t need to be number 1 though), I would say go to their house. Tell them all your feelings and explain to them that you don’t want to be in a relationship where you feel like you don’t matter. Make it crisp, clear, and to the point. If your partner was mean to you (I mean seriously mean to you), either meet in a public place or if they were a real ass, just call them up. Tell them sternly and powerfully (do not back down!) how they make you feel and that they aren’t worth your time anymore. If they had or are having an affair (you must have proof), feel free to meet them in a public place (not a restaurant!!!) and make a huge scene! Yell, scream, cry, whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better. You don’t have to make a scene obviously but I’m pretty sure I would, and I don’t care how immature that makes me look. haha And finally, if you are having the affair (naught naughty!) or are even considering having one, remember to act casual and be calm. If you want you can even use the tactics from “it’s just not working out”. You can of course tell them the truth, that you’re having an affair that is, but why pour salt on an open wound. Or if they’re really an ass, tell them right out you’re seeing someone else and that they were never good in bed anyways! haha

3. Word Things Carefully— There isn’t really too much that I can do here. I mean every breakup is different and so is every breakup speech. A few quick thoughts though. Your tone should reflect why you’re breaking up. If it’s because of something bad, be strong. If it’s because it’s not working out, be soft. Oh and never ever ever, seriously ever, use the phrase “It’s not you, it’s me”. The whole world knows that’s bull, so why wouldn’t your partner?

4. Future Contact Or Not?—It’s an important decision, ya know to see them again or not. Unfortuantely it’s not all your decision though. If they don’t want to see you again, they won’t. But if you do want to eventually be friends with them, put it on the table. Even if they don’t reply right that second, you never know if they’ll really call again or not. If they’re really upset though, I’m not sure I’d say anything to them about seeing eachother again, especially if they’re upsetness (shut up, I know its not a real word haha) is extreme anger! If they ask you if you want to see them again, be honest. Please don’t tell them yes if you never plan on calling or seeing them again. You wouldn’t want anyone to do it to you so please don’t do it to anyone else.

How you breakup with someone is really all about two things: how long you dated and how your relationship was. Although you should really keep in mind why you’re breaking up when deciding how to do it, it doesn’t need to be a deciding factor. And after the breakup is finally over, you should feel a sense of relief and calming. If you go home and cry your eyes out all night, that’s ok. Just because you’re crying doesn’t mean it’s out of sadness. If you go home and cry for weeks, maybe you should examine why you broke up in with them in the first place. Breaking up is a hard thing, we all know that. But keep in mind that missing out on what could be because you’re afraid to get out of what is, is so much harder.

Rehydrating Your Relationship...

They say that most people are dehydrated on a daily basis. No one is drinking enough water, and we’re all loading up on soda. Well our bodies aren’t the only things that can get dehydrated from time to time. Sometimes our relationships can dehydrate, and when that happens you need to know what to do to rehydrate so you can get back on track with one another.

]]> If you don’t know already, I am involved in a very long distance relationship. We see each other pretty often for the distance between us, but even with that, sometimes one of us or both of us just feel out of touch with the other. Recently I had one of those times. There was a lot going in both of our lives, and I was feeling that our relationship was dehydrated and that we just weren’t connecting anymore.

I know I’m not the only one who feels like this from time to time, so I thought I’d give some of my personal tips, along with tips I’ve heard from my favorite doctor, Dr. Bermen, of how to rehydrate your relationship.

1. Try new things together – This is a great way to reconnect with one another because it’s like having another first. I think sometimes when people have been in a relationship for a long time they get discouraged about how the rest of their life with this person will go because they notice things are always the same ole same ole . They start thinking about the routine they may be stuck in, the first they no longer have, and this, if not helped, can result in straying. But if you get together and, as a couple, decide on something new you’d like to try, wallah, a new first is created. A couple of good suggestions: a cooking class, a wine tasting class, rock climbing, an art class or gardening.

2. Love notes, the 21st century way – OK, so since my boyfriend and I can’t leave love notes in each other’s lunches or on one another’s pillows every day, we use what technology have given us – text messaging. It’s a great way to let your significant other know you’re thinking of them in the middle of the day, and it kind of makes you feel like you’re in middle school again passing secret notes across the classroom. I recommend sending nice ones and naughty ones, that way not only is your romantic life kept alive, but so is your life in the bedroom!

3. Go on a date – I know it sounds silly, especially if you’re already living together, but a date is one of the best ways to reconnect with one another. Even better, recreate a date from the beginning of your relationship, no matter how extravagant or simple it may have been. Ladies, do all the things you would do for a first date (yes that means you need to break out your razor!), and guys, go outside, knock on the door and pick her up, just like when you weren’t living together. Trust me, it makes it more special. And don’t forget her favorite flowers!

4. Dr. Bermen’s exercises – If anyone watched Sexual Healing on Showtime you’ll recognize these next two tests. The first one is a touching exercise. Basically one partner lies down somewhere comfortable, preferably a bed or couch, clothing optional, and the other partner rubs and massages the first partner. The idea is not to turn each other on, but to reconnect with one another’s body; it’s supposed to be sensual, not sexual. Here’s the kicker though – you can’t have sex afterward. You can satisfy yourself when all is done, but not one another and not in the same. It’s a good way to jump start sex drives if that’s what you’re looking for. Oh, and don’t forget to set the mood in the room first! The second test is a food test, and I’m sure a lot of people are going to think it’s odd. They say that when you take out one of your senses all of your other senses are heightened; well, this is what this one is for. One partner is blindfolded and fed by another partner. It’s also a good time to sneak aphrodisiac foods in to your relationship. It also establishes trust between one another. It’s a little odd sounding, but hey anything is worth a try to get your relationship back in gear right?

Look, these tricks are all really good, and from my experience they work, but none of them can happen if you don’t communicate first. Communication is the foundation for everything. It’s a corny but true saying. You need to tell your partner exactly how you are feeling, no matter how embarrassed or unsure you are. A good way to make sure you say everything you want to say and how you want to say it is to spend some time writing things down before you have the conversation. And one more thing, if your partner makes you feel like you can’t talk to them about this or that your feelings are stupid or ridiculous in any way, maybe you shouldn’t be trying to reconnect, maybe you should be reevaluating things instead.

Searching For "The One"...

I’ve spent my whole life dreaming of the fairy tale ending. We all know the one: 1 husband, 2.5 kids, a picket fence and a dog named Spot; the total package. Even better, it’s all controllable, well all of it except one thing – the husband.

]]> Yes, finding “the one” is no more controllable than adding hours to the day, no matter how much we believe it is. I think I’ve spent my whole life looking for “the one.” I swear I was looking in the sandbox. I’ve always known what I was looking for and, like with everything else in my life, I’ve always been impatient when it comes to finding it.
When I was about thirteen I made an on-paper list of all the things I wanted in “the one.” I had seen someone do it on TV and saw it as a good idea. I would put it under my pillow at night and dream of finding that special someone. (And I know what you’re thinking – she’s insane! But c’mon I was thirteen and we all do ridiculous things when we’re young. So give me a break please!)

Well guess what – he never came! Shocking, I know! But why would he have come? I mean A. I was only thirteen and B. Even if I hadn’t only been thirteen, I was trying way way way too hard. And that’s my point – if you’re having trouble finding “the one,” you’re probably trying/looking to hard. If you ask most people how they met, they won’t tell you, “Oh well I went looking for “the one” and found him/her immediately;” they’ll usually tell you a story about running in to them at a party, the gym, at work or even as random as an airplane. And even more, they almost always say, “I didn’t expect to meet him/her” or “I wasn’t even looking to date anyone at the time.” I mean I met my “the one” when I had pretty much decided I was going to live the single life at least till mid-college. Guys seemed like too much of a hassle at the time, and I had too many other things I needed to focus on.

People put too much energy in to finding the one, but in my opinion, all that energy just leads to dead ends. My number one piece of advice in finding a partner is to stop looking! It’s just like shopping for clothes. When you’re shopping for something specific you never find it, but when you’re shopping for nothing at all you find everything. Dating is kind of like that. If you’re looking too hard you’re probably overlooking, but if you’re not looking at all your mind is open and you aren’t blinded by the specifics that you’re usually looking for. It may even open your mind to some things you thought you didn’t want or didn’t realize you want. My number two piece of advice is to relax. People can sense when you’re tense, overeager, nervous, fearful, whatever. If you’re not relaxing you’re going to stress yourself out, get frustrated and that will rub off on to anyone you try to meet. So take some time, step back and forget about “the one.” Just relax and let things happen. And my number three piece of advice, if you’re like me and still carrying around one of these things, is to throw out this list! Don’t lie; you know you still have it! Well get rid of it! It’s useless. It’s good to know what you’re looking for, but it’s bad to be narrow-minded about what you’re looking for and to obsess over it, which is exactly what you’re doing my keeping that list.

Finding “the one” isn’t about going out and fine-tooth combing the world. Finding “the one” is about connecting with people until you find a fit. Yes it’s important to go out and people a lot of people, but don’t stress when you’re doing it. And I’m not putting down online dating. I like online dating, as long as you’re safe. I’m a believer in making things happen for yourself, but don’t spend every day all day searching online. It’s like the list; throw it out. Make a profile and wait. Online or offline, at work or on an airplane, just wait. Things will happen. I promise!

The Cure To Awaken The Activities In The Bedroom...

So many times you hear about married couples complaining there isn't enough sex in their life. Whether it be because of work, children, illness or any other obligation, people just don't seem to be getting enough to satisfy themselves. Well, everyone listen up because Dr. Berman has the answer to your problem...

]]> MORE CHORES!!! I'm serious. I know it may sound crazy, but according to an article written by Dr. Berman, the more chores the man of the house does, the more sex he'll have. In the article "Men Who Do More Housework Have More Sex" (now that's a straight-to-the-point title! haha) Dr. Berman writes about a study done by pyschologist John Gottman over a period of 30 years that showed that "men who do more housework frequently have more and better quality sex." And isn't that what we all really want?
At first I was confused. I couldn't figure out how those two things could relate to/influence one another. But as I read on it all made perfect sense. According to Gottman's study helping with chores shows that you care about the responsibilities your spouse has and that you are willing to help them, which he says is a "powerful aprodisiac for many women." If you really think about it isn't that what usually happens? Your husband or wife helps you out with the things around the house you're stressing about, and all of the sudden you feel more like being intimate. You're less stressed out and your house is clean; who wouldn't be in the mood? And women, don't be deceived by the title of the article. Men aren't the only ones winning in this situation. You're getting help with whatever you need done, whether it be housework, stuff with the kids or maybe a project you're working on at work, and, let us remember, your husband isn't in that bed alone!
So women and men get out your cleaning gloves, fill a bucket with water and get to scrubbing those floors and that bathroom. Trust me, when the reward comes around you'll be happy you did!

Consulting With Your Partner...

OK, so this blog is really outdated. It got lost in the shuffle of my computer and, when I found it the other day, I decided I still wanted to post it; especially since this show will be starting again this week.

Now I know I’ve done a blog about consulting your partner about things before, but recently a situation came up and all of the sudden the sides my boyfriend and I took switched. It was about taking a job and this time he sided w/ “consult me” and I sided w/ “no way!”

]]> Has anybody seen the new show on Bravo, “The Real Housewives of Orange County”? Well, one of the couples on the show that they follow is a man, mid thirties, child from a previous marriage, and his fiancé, mid 20s, little bit of a party girl. To give a quick background: Jo, the fiancé, doesn’t work b/c Slade, her fiancé, wants her to stay home and take care of the house and children and what not; and it doesn’t hurt that he makes bucket loads of money so she really doesn’t have to work. Well Jo wants to work. She’s a college graduate with dreams of her own and well, she wants to pursue them. So any who, 2 weeks ago Jo got a job, her “dream job”, and well Slade freaked when she told him.

So this caused a large argument between my boyfriend and I about, if one of us got a chance to do our dream job, if we’d need to consult the other one about it. Unlike with the buying things situation my boyfriend said that we should say something to the other partner before we accepted the job, and I said that unless it involved a move, there is no reason I should have to consult him before taking the job.

My reasoning is that well it’s my job, it’s not his. He shouldn’t be able to tell me where to and where not to work, not that I think he would, but still what if it was my dream job, but I’d be making less money, and so he’d tell me he didn’t think I should take it. Bull! It’s my dream job!

My boyfriend’s stance is that it isn’t about consulting him. It’s about informing him what’s going on. Yes I agree that I should tell him what’s going on, but that’s my boyfriend. What if he was the type of guy who wanted me to consult him, meaning basically ask him for permission (like in Slade and Jo’s situation); then what would I do? I would never do what Jo did, just walked in the house one afternoon and said “Honey, I got a job!” but I definitely don’t think that I should have to “be allowed” to get a job.

So I was just wondering what married couples thought? Should Jo have had to “consult” with Slade about getting a job, or should it have been OK for her to just say “Slade I want to get a job. I was offered my dream job and I’m going to take.”

Finding "The One"...

I’ve spent my whole life dreaming of the fairy tale ending – great career, 1 husband, 2.5 kids, a picket fence and a dog named Spot. To me it’s the whole package. And I’ve never really been worried about most of it. I mean all of it is controllable, well all except that silly husband part. Imagine that, even when he isn’t around yet he’s still a pain in the neck! Honestly, finding “the one” is no more controllable than adding hours to the day, no matter how much we believe it is. But there is one secret that may help. You’ve probably actually already heard it and just haven’t listen. Well listen up people, cause here it is!

]]> I may be young, but I’ve been searching for “the one”, my very own prince charming, since I was a little girl. I swear I was looking in the sandbox. And I’ve always known what I was looking for. I even made a list when I was 13. I wrote it on a piece of paper, sprayed it with my body spray and put it under my pillow every night (I know what you’re thinking, but I was only 13 and hey we all do ridiculous things when we’re young!).

Well guess what, he never came! I know, shocking! But why would he have? I mean A. I was only 13 and B. I was trying way too hard. And that’s the secret – stop trying so hard; in fact, stop trying at all! If you go around asking people how they met their mate you won’t hear too much of, “Well, I was looking for “the one”, and I found him/her.” Chances are they’ll tell you that they met him/her at the gym, at work or in the grocery store, and that “I didn’t expect to meet him/her” or “I wasn’t even looking to date at the time.” I mean, I met “the one” when I had pretty much decided I was going to stay single till at least mid-college. I had had a rough few months and, with going far from home for college, I wanted to experience it all. Then one day there he was. If I had been looking for someone I doubt I would’ve found him or he would’ve found me.

People put so much energy in to finding “the one”, but in my opinion it’s when you stop looking that mates just fall on your doorstep. Too much energy always seems to lead to a dead end. You have to relax and stop treating looking for “the one” like it’s your job. And I know that looking hard for “the one” is what it’s all about lately, especially with all those online dating sites, but posting yourself online and going out on some dates isn’t looking too hard – remember you do need to still do something and make some things happen for yourself. Just don’t spend every day on there acting like if you don’t find someone your life is over. I’m sure that as soon as you stop beating yourself up about finding someone, relax and step back to really look around things will all work out. Chances are there is someone around you right now that you’ve just overlooked because, well, you’re looking too hard!

Welcome To The New Year!!!

Well hello everyone! Welcome to 2007! It's a new year and I hope everyone had a great 2006, holiday season and new year's eve. I know that I've been slacking lately, but it was a hard semester and I had a lot going on. But I'm back and better than ever! I'm ready to start the new year with a bang, and I promise I'll be around a lot more.

Giving The Perfect Gift...

Since there are fewer than 20 days left in the holiday shopping season I thought I’d lend some words of wisdom about couple gift giving. Although I’m sure most of you have already bought your special someone their Christmas gift, when you’re in a newer relationship you tend to procrastinate a little more. Not because you don’t care or you’re just busy, but usually because you’re just not sure of the “perfect” gift for your situation.

]]> Whether you realize it or not, what you give your partner really says a lot about your feelings for them and the relationship you have. When you’re in a new relationship it can be especially hard. You don’t want it to say too much or too little and you don’t want it to send off signals you aren’t prepared for. So with this thinking I’ve created a little guide to help newer couples with their holiday shopping.

Dating A Few Weeks—If you’ve only been dating a few weeks something small will be just perfect. You’re not that serious so the gift doesn’t need to be that serious. It can even be, dare I say it, something practical. Think about things they use in everyday life, like a smaller bottle of their favorite perfume/cologne. Another great idea is a CD they love or maybe a movie you saw together. You don’t want to get too sentimental, but you want to show that you put thought in to the gift and didn’t just pick up the first thing you saw.

Dating A Few Months—When you’ve been dating more than say two months you’ve definitely started to form some sentimental memories, so use those as your gift stepping stone. This is also a really great time for homemade gifts: photo collages, mix-CDs (as corny as they may be haha), things like that. You’re also still in that “one gift only” stage, so don’t break the rule. If you do want to get your partner more than one thing, talk to them about it first. Set a gift limit and possibly a spending limit so that no one feels uncomfortable when you switch.

Dating At Least Nine Months—Relationships move fast nowadays and so in my eyes, nine months is a pretty serious relationship. You figure, chances are you’ve spent at least three minor holidays together, one of your birthdays, and probably met friends of the other partner and possibly some family. And if you’re at the right age, you may have actually discussed marriage already. This always seems to be the hardest to buy for though. Sentimental things are great, but should not be the bulk of your gift. I always like to give one sentimental thing to show that I really put thought in to his gifts. Last year for example, I made a video on the computer of pictures of us that went to two songs that made me think of him. It’s something they can keep forever and like I said, it shows you really really care. And something sentimental can be bought too. My boyfriend has started making me a collection of every DVD we’ve ever seen together so that we’ll always be able to watch them and think back to that time. Every “present-giving-day” he gives me another and I immediately think of that day, which always makes me smile. Sentimental gifts can’t be everything at this stage of a relationship though. You need to have some store bought things. Depending on the type of person they are, this can either be really easy or really hard. No matter what though it’s important to first set some ground rules. Either set a spending limit or a number of gift limit. You don’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable Christmas day. When it comes to actually buying the gifts, ask them if there is something maybe they need or they’d like. It may be obvious, but hey it works. Also look around their house to see what kind of stuff they like. Ask their friends. Think of things they’ve mentioned in the last few months. And just think about them as a person. What do they like, what do they have a passion for, what’s important to them. This should not be stressful. It should actually be fun.

In the end, I’m sure whatever you give your partner they’ll love. There are a few things to think about though. Stay away from gifts like socks, gift cards (they’re really impersonal), and fruit baskets. And whatever you do, do not go overboard. Spending an extreme amount of money on someone only makes them feel less and upset, not special and like you love them. Also make sure you gear your gift toward the seriousness of your relationship. If you’re really serious even though you’ve only been together three months, a nose hair trimmer might not be the best gift to get him. All in all, shopping should be fun and icing on the cake to the holiday season. Hope everyone has a great shopping experience and gets/gives great gifts. Happy Holidays!

Sexual Healing with Dr. Laura Berman...

Are you having some trouble in your relationship but have no clue where to turn or who to talk to? Are you one of those people who just isn't comfortable seeing a therapist or don't think you're at the point where you need one yet? Or are you just looking for a new way to rehydrate your relationship? Well have I got a show for you!

]]> Every Friday night at 10 PM (ET/PT) Dr. Laura Berman, who is, according to www.drlauraberman.com, "America's leading expert in female sexual health" (and I definitely believe it), sits down with couples just like you and hatches out what's going on in their relationships for all to see. The show is called Sexual Healing and it is on Showtime. I highly recommend it, no matter what your situation is. The problems the couples featured have varies greatly and I can't imagine anyone not being able to relate to at least one of the issues discussed.

The way the show works is it features four different (I think it's four) couples each week, each with a different set of problems. You see the couples both in their therapy sessions, together and separately, and in their natural environment, at home, in the car, out to dinner, etc. You also see they participate in different exercises that Dr. Berman gives for homework.

The reason I recommend this show so much is because it's great for relationships that are on the rocks and ones that are full of fireworks. My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, but I still use a lot of Dr. Berman's advice and we try some of her exercises because it only improves our relationship and the connection we have with eachother. I mean let's face it, no matter how great our relationships are sometimes they just need to be rehydrated. This is a great show to find out how to do that. (Oh and FYI, next week I will be doing a blog specifically about rehydrating your relationship so check it out!)

And if you're like me and are one of the unfortunate ones who don't have Showtime, no worries! It's OnDemand all the time if you're ever at a friend's house and can convince them to sit down and watch it. Plus it'll probably eventually come out on DVD, in which case I beg of you to at least rent it! And, no matter if you have Showtime or not, you can also get information and advice from Dr. Berman via her e-mail subscription, which can be found on her website.

So seriously, if you have the time and you care about your relationship, whether it's great or not so great, check out Dr. Laura Berman on Sexual Healing, Fridays at 10 PM (ET/PT) on Showtime.

Sexual Healing Website: http://www.shosexualhealing.com/
Dr. Laura Berman's Website: http://www.drlauraberman.com/PublicSite/Index.aspx
E-mail Subscription Website: http://www.drlauraberman.com/publicsite/funnel/Diagnostic.aspx?promo=38C3AB59-F850-425B-8C38-30BB4E280E85

One Last Fling...

Another really famous reason people use when they’ve cheated is that it was just one last fling before they really commit. This is usually used by people who are about to get married and, like all other reasons for cheating, it’s bull! Here’s why.

]]> So he/she had one last fling before they finally made the big leap to legally-on official documents-no longer just splitting the rent-till death do you part commitment huh? Well isn’t that just fabulous! Oh wait, it’s not!

People who are really ready to commit don’t have ‘one last fling’. They commit to that one person and have amazing relationships that hopefully last forever (a little fairy tale-ish I know, but hey I’m young and I’ve got big dreams!). People who are so far from ready to commit that they’re willing to change they’re identity and leave the country to get out of it have ‘one last fling’! And there is no rhyme or reason to why they don’t want to commit. Maybe they’re feeling pressure, ya know they feel like its the next logical step (something I’ve seen lately and heard a lot about – seriously though that’s such bull too). Maybe they’re not done sowing their wild oats yet. Maybe they just never want to get married but know that you really want to and want to make you happy. All these and more are possible. While it’s their job to come to you and talk to you about this before you spend thousands of dollars on a down payment of a church/venue, it’s your job to, once they’ve come to you, accept it. You can’t change their minds and you need to realize that. I don’t believe that there is only one right person in the world for a person so I don’t believe you should waste your time on someone who isn’t ready for what you are. Stop pressuring them and either wait until they are ready or move on. No one says you have to stay with them, especially if they don’t share your say relationship goals. Why put them and yourself through that? Why not spend that time you’re wasting on someone who is in love with you and you are in love and is ready to commit to marriage?

But Honey I Just Fell On His/Her Lips, I Swear...

I love when your partner cheats on your and the best reason they can come up with is that it was an accident. No wait, an “accident”. Yes, that’s better. I’ve never had anyone use this reason on me, but if they did I would probably look that and laugh hysterically until I was rolling on the ground! I mean c’mon, does anyone actually buy that line?

]]> Out of all the excuses for cheating I think this one makes me both the angriest and gives me the best laugh. An accident? Seriously, an accident? People who have accepted this as an excuse and taken their partner back after hearing this what were your reasons for this being an acceptable answer of why they cheating? Were they drunk or high? Was it an old flame? Or was just a “one time thing” (ouch if so – that’s a double whammy on the cheating reasons/excuses)?

Look, cheating is never an accident! I don’t care what the situation was or how hot you were feeling at the time. Feeling hot? Go take a cold shower! Usually after someone says “it was an accident” they follow with “it just sort of happened” or “I don’t know we were talking and the next thing I knew we were naked.” Cheating doesn’t just happen. There are a million moments when someone can choose to stop what is happening. They can take themselves out of the situation. They can stay clear of that person. They can even say something to that person. Unfortunately, during one of those many moments they decided to ignore all of those suggestions and just go for it. They’re an ass! You don’t need anyone like that! I mean if someone can’t make the right decision of should I cheat on my partner or not how can you trust them to make the right decision about anything else?

So next time your partner cheats on you (which I hope never happens) and they try to tell you it was an accident and/or they don’t know how it happens, laugh in their face for about ten minutes, tell them you’re way too good for them, and walk away never to look back. Seriously, stop looking back!

How Dare You Let Anyone Call You Fat...

Why do people let their partners call them fat or ugly or stupid or any other hurtful comment? Honestly, how can you think someone loves you if everyday, or even just once, they say you look fat?

]]> Now I’ll admit I used to be one of those people. I was a lot heavier when I was younger and some of my boyfriends said some pretty awful things to my face and behind my back. Even worse, back then I just accepted it and went on dating them. To this day I’m still not sure why I allowed it to happen.

I think a lot of times people do it because they want to be loved so much. They’re willing to put up with that part of the “relationship” (and I use that term very loosly) to get the affectionate and loving part. And I’m sure that a lot of times people are eventually so used to hearing it that they start to believe its true, thus making them feeling like they may as well put up with it because, if they are really fat/ugly/stupid/whatever like their partner says, no one else will want them. I think maybe that was my problem. I already had low self esteem. I was heavier than all my friends and boys didn’t really pay that much attention to me, so, among many other horrible things I did for attention, I let my boyfriends talk down to me because at least I had a boyfriend. I had someone I thought loved me.

Here’s the thing though – that’s not love! It’s just not! If someone truly loved you they would never say things like that to you. They may be honest with you and say a dress or a shirt or something isn’t very flattering, but they’re not going to call you fat ass or idiot every day.

And on that note, if someone truly loved you they’d never want you to change your personality or appearance because they were unhappy with it. I’ve seen this a lot on Dr. Phil and Oprah. There is also a big part in ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ about it. It’s mainly women saying they’re husbands think they’re fat or ugly. Recently there was a couple on Dr. Phil where the husband was so awful that he had almost convinced his wife to go on Extreme Makeover because she wasn’t as small anymore as she was when they got married (mind you she’s given birth to his children since then!) and didn’t look like his perfect woman Eva Longoria. Then he goes and tells Dr. Phil he loves her. How is that possible? I love my boyfriend more than anything and I would never even think of saying anything like that!

The bottom line is, don’t change yourself for anyone and never let anyone put you down. I may not know you personally, or maybe I do, but you’re an amazing beautiful person! And honestly, if you loved yourself that much, instead of dropping that supposed 20 lbs your partner says you need to lose, why don’t you drop your partner. The weight isn’t bringing you do, he/she is!

Dear Too Good To Be Somebody's Bed Buddy...

So at the end of the chapter in ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ there is a little workbook with things you can do to help you realize that, well, he’s just not that into you. At the end of chapter three Greg and Liz give readers a chance to answer one of the many letters they get. I thought, this being an advice blog, I’d give it a shot. Hopefully it’ll even help some of you out there. Here’s the letter:

]]> “Dear Pretty Girl who bought this book (that’s you),
I have been dating this guy for a couple of months. However, I’ve never actually been on an official date with him. He always tells me to meet him somewhere, like a bar or a friend’s house. He doesn’t seem like he wants to spend time alone with me unless we’re having sex. I like having sex with him – so can’t I keep doing that until he gets to know me better and realizes he’s really into me? (46)”

Dear Too Good To Be Somebody’s Bed Buddy,
So basically you just have a bed buddy? If that’s really OK with you than that’s fine, but honestly it doesn’t sound like you’re really that OK with it. If this guy really wanted to be your boyfriend and not just have sex with you or use you as a trophy to show to his friends whenever they go out, he would be on his hands and knees begging you to be his official girlfriend. There are so many other guys out there who probably are, or would be if you didn’t have this guy with you all the time, on their hands and knees begging you to be their girlfriend. Why waste your time with this loser? I mean wouldn’t you rather love having sex with someone who does want to spend alone time with you outside of the bedroom (or kitchen or laundry room or wherever you kinky kids are doing it!). There are those guys out there. I promise! You need to look at this situation without your rose colored glasses on, realize that this guy is just not that into you, and move on to someone who is. You deserve it!

Behrendt, Greg and Liz Tuccillo. He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys. Simon Spotlight Entertainment. New York. 2004.

Looking For Love Online: A Beginner's Guide...

I’m not a big Dr. Phil person. It’s not that I don’t agree with what he says or think he’s knowledgeable when it comes to what he’s talking about, I think it’s just that I don’t like the way he gives his advice sometimes. Plus, there are a lot of times when he’s just a little too crazy for me and I get very annoyed! But lately his topics have caught my attention and not long ago was no exception. The topic was online dating and well, I may not have tried it myself, but let’s just say I've learned a lot about the subject from all of my friends' horror, and sometimes magical, stories!

]]> I know that there are a lot of people out there who still look at online dating in the wrong way or are scared to try it because of a few horror stories they’ve heard. If you really think about it though, is it really any different than regular dating?

When you meet someone in a bar, what do you know about them? Nothing right? When you meet someone at a friend’s party, what do you know about them? Again, nothing. When you meet someone in the grocery store, at the gym, your first day of college, what do you know about them? Nothing! See where I’m going with this. Meeting people online, if you look at it in the right light, is no different than meeting people in real life. Some people are very skeptical of it because they feel it’s easy for people to lie or that they could be psychotic stalker serial killers, but when you meet a stranger that no one you know knows in a bar or the park, couldn’t they be the same thing? It’s just as easy to lie in person as it is online. People, this is 2006! Let’s get rid of the online dating stigma. I never use to advocate it, but the more I see the websites and how safe it’s become, the better the idea I think it is. I mean let’s face it, online dating is like the Super Wal-Mart of all dating – if you want it, they have it!

It’s important though that you know how to properly online date. You can’t just go in to this without your common sense on high OK? So I compiled a little, OK not so little, list of some tips that I think could help.

Posting Online
1. Always Use Spell Check – This may not seem like it should be first on the list, but do you know how stupid you look if you spell where you live or a simple word like ‘baseball’ wrong. It shows people you don’t care about your profile, and they probably won’t expect too much effort out of you for anything else. And seriously, how hard is it to press F7 on your computer?
2. Use A Reliable Website – There are so many big-name online dating websites out there right now, so why use some small one no one’s heard of? Check out what one’s run commercials often on TV or even ask around if anyone has successfully used any. I’ve never tried them, but it seems Match.com and eHarmony are the favorites.
3. Always Post A Picture – People pass on people with no pictures. It instantly shows you’re trying to hide something. And unless you’re looking for this kind of attention, don’t put pictures on of yourself ½ naked or in suggestive poses. Your best bet is to put a day to day picture of yourself on, possibly doing something you’ve written as one of your hobbies or interests. Try and use a lot of different pictures too. Oh and always use an up to date picture.
4. Make It Unique – You are a unique person, so why shouldn’t your profile be? Don’t just write usual things, write things about yourself that will stand out and draw some attention. Don’t be afraid to brag a little – only a little though. I mean if you performed in the Macy’s Day Parade or have been to every continent, write that! You’ll draw in people who share your interests and maybe find someone who’s done the same forming an instant bond!
5. Be Careful Of The Message Your Sending – Like I mentioned when talking about the pictures. Unless you’re looking to just ‘hook up’, don’t put a picture of yourself in a teeny-tiny bikini posing like a girl in Playboy. You’ll only attract certain type of people, people that may not be who you’re looking to attract. Also be careful of you’re wording. Some words have a certain quality to them and may make you sound dependent, desperate, egotistical. Your best bet is to have a friend or family member look over everything before you post it. If they approve you should be good to go!
6. Use A Catchy Headline – Your headline is usually the 1st thing people read about you so make sure it contains the best info. Something catchy, interesting, and/or amazing about you. Something no one else will have. Or use sayings from things you like, like movies or music. Someone may see it and be like “I love that song too” and decide to e-mail you.
7. Be Honest – Sometimes we don’t like to be honest about ourselves. And sometimes we don’t want to be honest about what we’re looking for. The minute you stop being honest though is the minute you attract the wrong people or no people at all. There are literally millions and millions of people online for you to fish through, so what’s the point of lying. If it doesn’t work out with one, there’s always another!
8. Offer Important Tidbits About Yourself, Not Your Life Story – There is plenty of time to talk about your 5th grade trip to the museum, so please don’t use your profile as a place to do this! Your profile should be short, sweet, straight to the point, and contain only the most important information.
9. Don’t Give Out Important Personal Information – I can’t say this enough. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE OUT PERSONAL INFORMATION! Start out with an e-mail/messaging on the site, then maybe move to a separate e-mail address (one that you have created specifically for online dating). Eventually you can move on to a phone number (cell phone only, never home or work). Don’t rush it though!
10. Have Your Family & Friends Help – No matter how much you may hate it, no one knows you better than your family and your friends, usually. So call on their help when you’re planning to online date. They’ll probably be honest more honest with you about your pictures, what you should and shouldn’t write, and how to go about sorting through the good and the bad than you would be with yourself.

Meeting People
1. Use The Three Time Talk Rule – I made this rule up, but I think it’s a good one. Before you meet up with someone for the first time you should always use this rule. It basically means that you should have at least three phone conversations before you meet someone in person. And I don’t mean five or ten minute conversations. I mean long in depth getting to know people conversations. Phone dates if you will. They don’t have to last hours but they should have good substance to them. When you hang up, you should feel like you really learned a lot about the person.
2. Be Open To Everyone – You may think you know exactly what you want in a partner, but chances are you don’t! This isn’t exactly like meeting people in a bar. You’re going to have a million different options and all at once. Maybe you’ve never dated someone of another religion or maybe you think have to have someone who’s been to college. It’s good to know what you’re looking for, but it’s also good to realize that what you’re looking for isn’t concrete. Don’t be afraid to meet everyone and anyone. Always e-mail back someone who e-mails you. I mean it takes two seconds and it can’t hurt. Plus, you may actually find what you want in a person you never would’ve talked to in a bar.
3. Have Your Family & Friends Help, Again – Just like when you post your profile, have your family and/or friends sift through your possible dates. They’ll smack you when you’re blind to someone and they’ll open your eyes when you need to steer clear of someone.
4. Don’t Be Afraid To Say The Wrong Thing – Again there are literally millions and million of people online so if you screw up with one person, there’s always another right around the corner. With that said, don’t be afraid to be yourself or say the wrong thing. Through e-mail and messaging is honestly (and I know from experience) the easiest place to open up and be yourself, especially for people who are really shy.

The First Meeting
1. Always Meet In A Public Place During Peak Hours – This really speaks for itself. The more people around, the safer you usually are and will feel. Oh and a side tip, when you walk back to your car, always have your cell phone in hand ready to dial any number if needed.
2. Always Make Sure Someone Knows Exactly Where You’ll Be – Never go off without someone knowing exactly where you’re going to be, which should be easy since, as stated in number four of this list, you’ll be meeting up and therefore always know where you’re going ahead of time. It’s just a good precaution.
3. Have An Emergency Caller – I know this sounds silly, and rude to your date, but in my head it’s always good to have an emergency caller, someonee to call you midway and make sure everything is going OK. It’s also a great way to get out of a date if the date is a disaster! (Just kidding that’s horrible haha)
4. Always Take Your Own Car – I know we’re supposed to be saving gas and the environment and what not, but it’s a lot better to save your life. Always drive yourself to where you’re meeting and never get in the other person’s car, not for any reason!
5. Keep Your Guard Door Up But Take Off The Lock – Online dating is scary, I understand that. But then again, all dating is scary. It’s good to have your guard up so you can sift through the mud and muck of bad daters and wrong doers, but you have to take the lock off and loosen up a little. Don’t open the door at first, just take the lock off. If you don’t, the person won’t get to know the real you and chances are you won’t relax enough to know the real them. So seriously, take the lock off!

In the end, online dating is a fun and easy way to find the person you’re looking for, no matter what it is you’re looking for. You might even like it! I know crazy! Just remember to be smart about it, don’t be scared, and be open and honest to everyone. You never know, the love of your life could be someone from the other side of the country, fifteen years older or younger than you, or the exact opposite of what you always thought you were looking for. You just have to be open! Good luck!

Call Me...

What is an acceptable time to call someone after they give you they’re phone number? That’s the question I’m posing to everyone out there.

]]> Not long ago my boyfriend and I had a discussion about girls and guys calling each other and we couldn’t agree on an acceptable time for a guy or girl to call someone they’ve received the number of after they received their number.

My boyfriend said two days. I think he’s seen that movie “Swingers” too many times! He thinks that if you call that night or even the day after it sounds too desperate and that the girl will react negatively to the call. To him, if you met on a Saturday, it’s good to call on Monday or Tuesday to make plans for later that week. Absolutely no earlier though!

I had a different idea. I think it unfortunately has to do with your gender. If you’re a woman, I think it’s good to wait a day. I don’t make the rules, and I surely don’t agree with a lot of them, but I know what they say. Women who call that night or the next day are always marked desperate or too eager and guys hate that. I’m not saying its right, I’m just saying be honest with yourself that it’s true. On the other hand though, I think it’s plenty acceptable for a guy to call the next day or even an hour or so after meeting just to say ‘Hey I had a nice time talking to you. I hope we can see each other again soon.’ To me that’s not desperate. It’s refreshing! It shows me that the guy is really putting some effort to this. If we meet on Saturday and he doesn’t call till Tuesday, do you know what that is saying to me? ‘I thought you were great that night, but not great enough to think about and/or pick up the phone and dial a number for two days.’ Not my idea of a guy I want to go out with!

I think there are a plenty of other woman out there who believe that, especially since “He’s Just Not That Into You” came out, but my boyfriend says I’m the minority and he wanted to prove it to me by seeing what my readers and the Seacoast community think. So again I ask, what is the acceptable time to call someone after they give you they’re phone number?